Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Bandit, the rascally baby panda born to Mei Xiang and Tian Tian at the National Zoo in Washington, DC, gives interested readers the inside track on his world.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Clearing the Water

Ok, so I got this message this afternoon from annoyed fan dc2230:

Don't blame me for your crappy name. I wanted to name you LaVar Pandington. GO SKINS

Dude, even pandas can make mistakes. I was all pissed off when I first read this, 'cause I was like "why's this guy rippin' on my name, yo?"

But then I realized he wasn't ripping on Bandit, he thought I was blaming all my fans and the people of the world for the name choices, which I'm not, so I have to set the record straight.

To all my loyal fans:

I understand and respect your opinions. I never once thought you had anything to do with the rubbish FONZ cooked up for the naming contest. I am grateful to every one who voted for a name because I know you only had my best interests in mind. You knew I was going to get shackled with one of these monikers, and you cared enough to vote for a name that would suck less than the others.

Is'all good.

Everyone should know by now my opinion of the name Butterstick.

As for LaVar Pandington, it's kind of cool. I can dig a football name. And I'm a native Washingtonian, so of course I'm for the SKINS.

We're on the same page, dude (or babe, if you're one of my hot panda fans).

I think those renegade geckos are Cowboys fans.

My proof:

News and the Panda

My editor is a slacking clownmunch and I don't know why my lawyer won't let me fire her. Something about the Panda Employee Union. Humans are so weird.

That being said, I've been in the news a lot recently.

My naming is imminent (is that spelled right? eh whatever, like I know or care.) and I guess I'm resigned to it sucking. (see for some stupid updates on the whole stupid fiasco). If they have to call me by one of those the people vote on, maybe I could insist that they call me by the translated meaning, like Dragon Mountain. That would be kind of cool. Then my whole name would be Dragon "Bandit" Mountain. I could deal with that.

I'm so huge they can hardly fit me in this old plastic container they used to use. I told Egon that next time, he's going to have to use the elephant scales. They'll have to use a crane to hoist me up there because I'm going to be the bigges--well, you know.

Mom can hardly pick me up anymore (sweet!) so it's only a matter of time.

Oh and I decided it was probably time to start walking. Once I'm 100% mo-bahle, I'm going to be such a troublemaker, the zoo is going to have to call the FBI on me.

So I did a little walking this morning. I always say it's smart to practice a bit before becoming a living terror.

For an example of what happens when columnists begin to think too highly of their own cleverness, click here:

I read this shaking my head. "Me want panda blog guy to get a raise," my fuzzy round adorable ass.

Tell me, which would you rather read: some stranger's self-conscious dreck? Or go straight to the source.

That's what I thought.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Going Public

My alert fan Cramz put a comment on my blog today, reminding me of some important news I should share with the rest of the Bandit-watching community.

The Zoo will finally let me greet my adoring public in November. That's right, just when it's getting dark and gray and depressing outside, I will be there to save the day. I understand you'll all have to get tickets to see me because they don't want a mob, and I don't want my fans to get hurt. I may be badass but I'm thoughtful too.

I think I'll probably have some crappy Chinese name by then, but I'm thinking it'll be like one of those actors whose parents give them really stupid names and everyone knows them by their way awesome nickname. Like Steve McQueen going by Steve McQueen instead of his clownmunch real name Qin Ti Sheng. Betcha didn't know that, huh.

By then I should be roughly the size of a small car since according to medical data provided by Dr. Egon Spengler himself, I'm growing up to be the BIGGEST PANDA ON EARTH (-earth, -earth, -earth).

Here's me and Egon. Yeah that's right, I'm so scary badass that the Zoo had to hire a GHOSTBUSTER just to do my checkups.

Later, Egon and I prank called Peter and I impersonated Slimer's voice. That freaked Egon out because like I said before, he's a clownmunch and they all get freaked out when I talk. Peter was just like "HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER! I'M GOING TO FIRE MY AGENT YOU LITTLE PUKE, and THEN I'M COMING AFTER YOU" and then he said something about an aquatic life and I got bored so I hung up.

After that, Egon wouldn't give me Ray's number, so I called Winston and we chatted it up for like two hours because Winston rocks.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Mom's Night Out

Let's start off with a gratuitous Bandit Pic!

So today, if anyone watched me on PandaCam (who am I kidding, I know you ALL did) you probably saw Mom sprawled over her platform, hanging her head over the side.


Have I got a story for you.

Last night, Mom went out with Dad for a night on the town. That usually involves heading over to the Monkey House (not to be confused with apes, who are total straight-edgers) for cheap booze and beer pong. Now, as we all know, Mom is about as bright as a female mallard duck sitting on her eggs, and--I swear I am not making this up--she thinks that daquiris are non-alcoholic.

I'm, like, dead certain Dad is the farthest thing from innocent on that one.

So she starts suckin down the daquiris and then a bunch of ring-tailed lemurs called her a drunk old sow and so Dad took them all on while Mom honked drunkenly from one of the trees.

I'm assuming Dad won. I mean come ON. Sure he's a deadbeat, but he's still my pop, and look how badass I am. He could take a whole barrel full of lemurs on any day any hour any place.

After that, I don't know the details, but I do know that when I woke up this morning, Mom was yacking all over the straw off the side of her platform. It was super gross, but at least she didn't try to bathe me today with that mouth.

To all you kids out there who think life with your folks is a trial, I've got news for you.

Panda parents suck.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Quick question...

Does anyone else think my doc looks like Egon?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Bandit: The Film

September 19th was a red-letter day for my fans. You got the first, real, up close, detailed documentary of me as I really am. I am referring of course to my film.

View it here:

I looked especially badass next to my personal medical staff (dorks). Oh and when they were poking around in areas they shouldn't be poking, I reared my head up and called them both clownmunches (though you couldn't hear me because they edit the sound whenever I talk. It really freaks them out when I bust out with my lingo, and because they're not big enough to handle it, they think no one else will too. TOTAL clownmunches.)

But they did let you hear me bark. I did it nice and quiet so they wouldn't edit it out. I can really roar a great bark, but again, said clownmunches can't take a roaring panda cub.

I got another helpful comment from my fan Ally today, and at her request, I've decided to post my email address. I love to get email. Tell me stuff, send me funny stuff, or really BADASS stuff. It's all better than spam from golfing bloggers (tool).

It's Ally's sending me pictures, so I can post more me on this site. Which is really why you all keep coming, I know.

Oh I just thought of something. JUST on the off chance that Mr. Golfing Blogger is actually a living breathing fan (I have to remember that I appeal to all people, of all shapes, sizes, and hobbies, and levels of clownmunchness), I challenge him to post another comment, and to say something specific about my blog, or how cool I am.

Maybe then I will stop mocking him.


Friday, September 16, 2005

Spit is NOT a bath.

Mom is so GROSS. She was giving me a "bath" can see how happy I am in this picture.

Tell me honestly, if your mother picked you up and licked you all over, would you be in a good mood?

So I'm surly right now. Humans understand germs and bacteria, and yet all those servants of ours, stupid zoo people, stand by and watch her smear nasty saliva all over me, and they giggle and say "it's so sweet."

Oh and another note, thanks to my fan Brian for taking that dude to task for putting a spam comment on my blog. MY blog. This isn't just some other blog, it's the blog of the cutest, most badass baby panda in the world!

Look at me. Do I LOOK like I'm interested in golf? DO I--PUNK?

Didn't think so. Jackass.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

What will I grow up to be?

Sometimes when I'm pumping titanium (which is cool, because it's more futuristic than pumping iron), I imagine what I'm going to be when I grow up. I used to think I'd be a doctor, or an astronaut, but I think it's pretty obvious to anyone with a brain, that I'm not meant for that kind of life.

I mean, look at me. I need to be employed in a line of work that equals awesome hotness, AND badass.

So I'm thinking Batpanda would be a pretty reasonable choice.

Imagine Mom's face when I show up in my kickass Batpanda suit--she could honk all she likes but I'd just be like "whatever, mortal, I gotta go kick me some tail."

That would rock more than anything has ever rocked before.

Go me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Super Sizing Me

Hey hey, at 9 weeks old, I'm more cute than a whole bin full of cut-rate Finding Nemo fish. And as most of my fans already know, way more badass. I'm growing faster than all the other pandas in the history of the WORLD, which means when I'm all grown up, I'll be the biggest, meanest, toughest, most badassest panda in the WORLD. And I'll be real down-to-earth about it too. Just like Angelina Jolie and her foreign kids.

A big shout out to my fans Ally and Liz. Thanks to your vigilant attention, my editor is being punished for her laziness. A bunch of cool badass thugs came to her house tonight and chained her to her chair and she had to post my message or stay there until she did.

Also is anyone else disturbed by Mom's "toy"?

From the Zoo website:

"Mei Xiang has retrieved a toy from the hay in the den. It is a toy made for big dogs called a 'kong.' She has picked it up and manipulated it a few times, but most of the time it is just lying in the nest."

GROSS. I don't what to know about Mom manipulating her kong, and I don't care if it's fascinating to science.

I know I'm badass and all, but let's protect my innocence for at least a few more weeks?


Tuesday, September 06, 2005

My Editor and that Tool at the Zoo

Let me be the first to say that this is inhumane. The lack of response, the finger pointing, the desperation so clearly evident in so many faces. I'm fired up and I gotta do somethin' 'BOUT it.

I refer of course to my editor and her five day disappearance, leaving so many of my fans without news of myself for days. I had all this stuff to share and now I can't remember it all (which SUCKS, especially for you because now you're missin' out). She has been issued a warning. Five day lapses are inexcusable, and there will be consequences if it happens again.

On other news, I heard some of my servants talking about some chick named Katrina and that we should send money and supplies to help her victims. I don't know what she did, but my servants are SCIENTISTS (as I may have mentioned before) and scientists don't exaggerate, so the victims must need it.

So, uh, give stuff. I'm sending pictures of myself. Which is cool, because it's me, but you're probably better off sending money.

Onto something else I remember from the VAST VACUUM THAT WAS MY EDITOR'S SO-CALLED "VACATION." The Zoo is getting out of hand. Whoever is writing my diary info is doing too much editorializing for my taste. She (and it is quite patently obvious, that this person is a she--and no I'm not that big a clownmunch that I use the word "patently" in everyday conversation. That's MY editor taking too much liberty with my blog. Dork.) On my 8 week birthday, this she-writer described me as making "little panda 'angels' in the hay."


I was making little panda GRIM REAPERS.

A guy would totally know the difference.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

The Renegade Geckos

I'm going to kill me some gecko.

You know how I mentioned the renegade geckos in an earlier posting? They're getting out of control. It's a real problem here at the Zoo. They roll in here with their gats and their brass knuckles and they start beating on the residents. I heard about a red lion monkey who got his knee cap busted on Tuesday by some gecko wearing black leather.

The Zoo has been in hot water recently--people are saying it doesn't take care of its animals well but I'm telling you the geckos are the ones to blame.

Kisangali the Lion - The geckos had been crapping in her food for weeks.
Emma the Emu - She was the biggest anti-gecko voice here, and they saw she didn't make it through a routine blood exam
Leomo the Lemur - That monkey'd been smoking Luckys for years. No, not gecko-related, but I thought I'd share it because Leomo was the biggest badass WANNABE at the Zoo and now he's dead. Tool.
Hipalore the Orangutan (see the dumb-ass names the Zoo gives us?) - The geckos knifed him one night at an ill-fated "Go Fish" tournament.

And the Zoo is doing nothing! Nooo, the geckos are harmless they say. Read for yourself:

That little girl was lucky. The gecko probably decided to spare her since she'd saved him from the cold, because this picture (which has NOT been edited in any way) began circulating recently.

They have to be stopped.

And I'm just the panda to do it.

Right as soon as I start walking.