Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Bandit, the rascally baby panda born to Mei Xiang and Tian Tian at the National Zoo in Washington, DC, gives interested readers the inside track on his world.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

News and the Panda

My editor is a slacking clownmunch and I don't know why my lawyer won't let me fire her. Something about the Panda Employee Union. Humans are so weird.

That being said, I've been in the news a lot recently.

My naming is imminent (is that spelled right? eh whatever, like I know or care.) and I guess I'm resigned to it sucking. (see for some stupid updates on the whole stupid fiasco). If they have to call me by one of those the people vote on, maybe I could insist that they call me by the translated meaning, like Dragon Mountain. That would be kind of cool. Then my whole name would be Dragon "Bandit" Mountain. I could deal with that.

I'm so huge they can hardly fit me in this old plastic container they used to use. I told Egon that next time, he's going to have to use the elephant scales. They'll have to use a crane to hoist me up there because I'm going to be the bigges--well, you know.

Mom can hardly pick me up anymore (sweet!) so it's only a matter of time.

Oh and I decided it was probably time to start walking. Once I'm 100% mo-bahle, I'm going to be such a troublemaker, the zoo is going to have to call the FBI on me.

So I did a little walking this morning. I always say it's smart to practice a bit before becoming a living terror.

For an example of what happens when columnists begin to think too highly of their own cleverness, click here:

I read this shaking my head. "Me want panda blog guy to get a raise," my fuzzy round adorable ass.

Tell me, which would you rather read: some stranger's self-conscious dreck? Or go straight to the source.

That's what I thought.


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