Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Bandit, the rascally baby panda born to Mei Xiang and Tian Tian at the National Zoo in Washington, DC, gives interested readers the inside track on his world.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Birthday Reflections and Setting the Record Straight.

Happy Birthday to me, baby! Mom hogged lots of my fruitscicle but other than that, I had a pretty sweet day. Lots of fans came out to wish me well, and the Zoo put on a pretty good party when you consider their modus operandi is spelled L-A-M-E.

Lots of people were talking about me again this week. It was nice to be news again.


I saw this travesty of an interview published in that poor-man's newspaper, "express". I have to take a moment to give the real answers.

express: Happy birthday. So, can I call you Butterstick?
fake express Bandit imposter: Ugh, no. Sure, it was sweet when I was tiny. But do you know how much it hurts to constantly hear, "Hey Butterbutt! Hey, Butterball!"
Bandit: Ok, this guy got part of it right. We all know how I feel about that name and all variations thereof. But it's not because it "hurts." Please. Do you think I clutch my paw to my heart and whimper when I get called those names? I'll give you a hint. My real retaliation usually involves bamboo and blowtorches.

express: Moving on. How does the nation's cutest celebrity plan to celebrate?
fake express Bandit imposter: The zoo is planning a party. The first 1,000 people get cupcates. Me? I get cards.
Bandit: Huh? Cards? Everyone knows cards are the cop-out birthday present. I only accept cards with presents in $100 denominations. And cards from fans. I love cards from fans. But the zoo knows they owe me more. They got me a GIANORMOUS fruitsicle, a new pool filled with water, TWO new toys, and a soccer ball.

express: They'll be showing the video of your birth. Won't that be exciting?
fake express Bandit imposter: Oooh, you mean the one where I slide out of my ma and bonk my head on the wall? Fun. And a bonus -- I get to watch my parents doing it.
Bandit: EW! EW EW EW. What kind of demented clownmunch do these people take me for? Who wants to see...think about their parents...NO I can't even say it. And I would never use the word "bonk." My integrity as the coolest panda in the world has been violated.

express: How do you feel about Tian Tian?
fake express Bandit imposter: Deadbeat. Next!
Bandit: I'll kill him. I'll kill the bastard for calling my dad a deadbeat. Doesn't he see the mega fence? What about the legions of clownmunch zookeepers doing their best to keep us apart? Dad would be all cool with me if they let him come around. That's like throwing a guy in jail and then fining him for not spending more time with his kids.

express: So, any big plans for this year?
fake express Bandit imposter: I want to find new ways to jump on Mommy's back. Kick my bamboo habit. Oh, and escape.
Bandit: So this is the closest this guy comes to a semi-accurate answer. I do like jumping on Mom's back (no "Mommy" for me, thank you) just like I like ruining her liquor cabinet. No need to kick the bamboo because uh hello its GOOD FOR YOU. Hobbitbuddy would be so offended to know that someone wants me to kick bamboo. As for escaping, you know I love it, but it's been done. I can do it again if I want, no big deal.

express: Escape?
fake express Bandit imposter: I got me a plan. One of the giraffes is smuggling me a Raquel Welch poster and a rock hammer.
Bandit: Ok, points for the Shawshank reference, but this guy isn't even trying anymore. Everyone knows a giraffe couldn't smuggle a peanut into a late-run movie theatre. They're HUGE. Paolo can smuggle rings around the crafitiest giraffe. Besides, I'd take a chopper over sewer drainage lines anyday.

express: Why would you want to escape?
fake express Bandit imposter: Honestly, I just want to hear if the new Metro voice is as annoying as everyone keeps saying it is.
Bandit: Sigh. This is what they publish for the reading public. A "butterstick" who wants to spend months digging himself out of the zoo just to hear the new Metro voice. If they'd contacted the source instead of using a false mouthpiece, they would have gotten the better, more accurate answer: Because I have a date with DESTINY, SUCKAZ! Bandit for President, 2008! Hoo-ah!

express: Will you be sad to leave for China?
fake express Bandit imposter: Leave? What do you mean? Nobody told me...Hmm, do you think Brangelina will adopt me?
Bandit: No, dumbass, and you know why? Because I'm uh, not leaving? Yeah you heard right. Bandit is 100% Made in the USA and I ain't goin NOWHERE.