Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Bandit, the rascally baby panda born to Mei Xiang and Tian Tian at the National Zoo in Washington, DC, gives interested readers the inside track on his world.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Question and Random Stuff

Looks like I have a bit of a backlog on my hands. My fan "H" (dude, we're all friends here, you can give me more of a moniker than a letter if you feel like it) has been waiting for a number of days for a response to his (or her) question, so I'll address that first:

Hey Bandit, I'm a faithful panda watcher. I'm curious to know why you keep walking into walls. Also wondering, do you have a favorite minion among the staff?

It does look like I'm walking into walls, doesn't it. I'm sure you'll all be relieved to know that's not really the case. I'm banging my head against the walls in frustration. We all know her name, it rhymes with IDIOT MOTHER. Ok so maybe it doesn't.

I'll draw your attention to the most recent film of me released by the Zoo (see the link under "Bandit in Film" Oct. 21st). See me at the end? See how happy I am to be viewing some fans, even if they are only the press? Now see how Mom comes lumbering up and steals my show, then tries to pick me up with her mouth. See how it doesn't work because I'm HUGE. So yeah, I'm hitting my head on walls to drive the higher thought processes from my brain--I mean really. Around her, what do I need my highly developed intelligence for?

Side note--I have a really badass bark don't I? Oh and that shot didn't hurt. I just wanted to make sure my clownmunch doctors knew it wasn't cool either.

As for the second part of your question, H, we all know who my least favorite staff member is. But of the others, right now, I have to give a shout out to my publicist. She's been hooking me up with some big contacts right now, and maybe has even been responsible for leading you to me.

You know what though, I could use some more staff members. It's kind of a chick fest around here, not that I'm complaining but it would rule to get some guys on board. Anyone who's interested, just click on the green link below my staff listings and tell me what you want to do and why you're qualified. I'm the best boss in the world. Hey ask my editor. I've resisted caning her five times now, isn't that big of me?

I'll leave you all with this bit of advice from Hobbitbuddy. He/She meant it for me, but I think it's the kind of advice we could all benefit from.

If you ever have lunch at the zoo with Samuel L., be sure to order a "Gekko Royale with cheese".You'll impress him with your monumental "badittude" and street cred. Then take him by the monkey house to show off your amazing jaw power by decapitating a few lemurs for his enjoyment. Just make sure your Mom doesn't find out! By the way, I saw her hanging in a tree the other day, drunk. You poor adorable little guy.

Confucious has nothing on this guy.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Bad as ol' Sammy L.

Hey, fun. I have TWO questions waiting for me to answer. The first question looks like it came on Friday, but I missed it because my clownmunch editor didn't show up for our evening meeting. I'm badass and I can do lots of stuff, but I can't type. Sucks, but that's the way it is.

So hobbitbuddy, you had this question:

Dear Sweet Bandit,You rock!I enjoy reading your blog. I was interested to know if you've ever met Samuel L. Jackson or watched any of his films because you definitely have the same "take no prisoners" 'tude. Keep the faith little bro.

Right back atcha human bro. Funny you should ask. Samuel L. actually sends me fanmail. He asked for my autograph a few weeks ago but Mom thinks he's a bad influence and refused. I swear if she gets any more toolish I may have to stuff her in a Craftsman toolbox.

But yeah, he's way badass. I actually got to watch Pulp Fiction when I turned 100 days old. My lawyer smuggled me a copy (I think I may be getting the hang of this appreciating irony thing) and I watched it. Mom tried to watch it with me, but she got way lost. Plus, she only speaks a few words of English, she didn't know they were SWEARING every other WORD. It ruled.

Except it could have a used a few more hot panda chicks. And I should have been in it.

Yeah. The cool factor on that alone warrants a remake.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Your Momma Jokes

Question & Answer with Bandit:

Do you get mad if the other zoo animals tell "your mom" jokes? (ie- your mama's so fat, she squeezed out a butterstick instead of a baby.) I mean, I know you don't like her, but does it offend you when other people rip on her?

Do I get offended by "your momma" jokes? Duh, I'm pretty sure I INVENTED them. Monkeys--unoriginal copycats--are the most avid "your momma" jokesters. I have to admit they're wicked funny. Sometimes the lemurs like to come by just to tell me the new jokes they've made up. I laugh my ass off.

And then I rip their heads off.

I don't get so many jokes anymore though, which is a pity because Mom's so perfect for them. For instance, she's so stupid, that when she sees the door to our hovel open, she oohs and ahhs like she's watching fireworks. Really. That's not a "your momma" joke, that's the sad, honest truth. But it's why the monkeys have so much fun with her.

So no. I really don't mind when other people crack those jokes about her. And they don't mind when I gouge their hearts out with the blunt side of my paw.

Well, they never say anything.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Of Rags and Tools

I couldn't have said it better myself, Cramz. Well, maybe I could. Actually, if I tried real hard, I'm sure I could, but the point is, I would have to work at it, so that should be compliment enough.

In case I've lost anyone, on Monday I got this note:
Ummmm...this blog is pretty demented. I hope you folks are actually raising the panda, because if you're not - okay, let's not consider that possibility.

Huh? This guy/girl is such a tool he/she is an insult to the word. So for this purpose, I'm going to call her/him a rag. This rag doesn't even understand the very most basic premise of this blog. This is ME here. BANDIT. or Tai Shan, whatever. But the point is, my staff works for me, they're not trying to "raise" me or some other clownmunch nonsense. The staff and I discussed this and denounced it for the rag-rubbish it is.

But then, this morning, good ol' Cramz posted this:
Who's this anonymous tool posting above? Now that those teeth are coming in Bandit, you can rip munches like this a new one...

Oh how I want to, Cramzie. If I have to put up with the infernal clacking, I might as well use it to do the world some good.

Woah. I just had, like, a light go off in my head or something. It's all clear to me now. The GECKOS have found my blog!! You saw what they did to that poor giraffe, Jafari, last week. Skin cancer my round, black, furry ass. Poor kid didn't stand a chance against battery acid.

And now the geckos are posting, trying to discourange me. Well well this should be interesting. I think I might have finally found the cure for clacking teeth.

Fresh gecko.

Monday, October 17, 2005

There are those who call me Tai Shan...

...even though we all know my real name. It's ok though. I wasn't as pissed as I expected to be when they announced it today. Peaceful Mountain. Hey, if I understood what irony was, I might call it ironic, but since I'm only 100 days old, I'm not so up on my literary terms.

But don't you dare start addressing me on this blog as Tai Shan. The outside world can use it all it wants, but you guys are MY PEEPS. So here it's Bandit. Capisce?

Oh hey this is funny. Mom can't pronounce my name.

My sides hurt. I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. She keeps honking about how she wanted Qiang Qiang because that was so easy to remember and say but between you, me, and the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool--I can't tell the difference.

Dad's opinion? So far his staff has been strictly "No Comment" but word on the street says he thinks it's cool. Whatever.

The whole teeth thing is proving to be kind of annoying. When I close my jaws they clack together. How weird is that? Clack. Clack. Clack.

Creeps me out.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Pushy Mom

The woman is driving me nuts. Mom, not the doctor. She's basically beating me. It's way uncool. Won't let me leave the den, gets pissed off when I try to walk--

Oh hey, I'm getting my teeth! Almost forgot to tell you. Look over
there --->

Anyway, yeah when I try to practice walking, Mom's like "Where do you think you're going, young man? Walking only leads to exploring, and exploring leads to all kinds of deviant experimentation. You'll wind up hairless, diseased, and full of holes if you so much as LIFT your paw, do you hear me?"


Aiight, since Mom's still trying to push me around and won't let me LEAVE, I'll respond to my fan's questions:

What's going on? According to the Washington Post, "The public debut of the National Zoo's giant panda cub will be delayed until at least December because he is not venturing out of his hidden den and his mother does not appear willing to let him do so, animal park officials said yesterday." What's the real story? Is your mother really bossing you around?

Oh hey look at that, this person read my mind today. My answer is: YES. I think she got pissed about what I wrote yesterday about owning this place (which I do, don't get me wrong, this is just a temporary hiccup in my glorious revolution) and she's decided to hold a little counter-attack of her own. Don't worry though, you may have to wait till Christmas comes to see me, but I promise it will happen. I have teeth now remember? We'll see how she likes a ridiculously cute BITE in her ear.

It's really all out war here in the Panda House.

That broad is goin' down.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

It's Not That I'm Lazy...

To the Anonymous fan who said I need to get off my lazy butt to post...I must remind you, the fault is not with my lazy butt (I'm a bear, we trademarked laziness before humans learned to tell their ass from a hole in the ground) but with my editor. Get this:

She took a vacation.

Yeah. Stop rubbing your thumb on your screen trying to get rid of the smudge clearly at fault for such a ludicrous statement. That's the honest to Chinese-Sun-God truth. Apparently the Panda Employee Union insists I give them at least three weeks' vacation. When I get my claws on the pinko clownmunches who run that fiasco of a union...well, it'll be the ugliest thing since Boy George's stint as a Victoria's Secret model.

The woman does nothing but once a day (if that) post my musings on an online blog. Her entire DAY is a vacation.

You wanna know where she went? The beach. With her boyfriend. You wanna know where I was?


Oh, ha, that reminds me. Anyone read the lastest postings on the Zoo's website? I'm getting to her. That's right baby, Bandit is asserting his authority. I'm takin' over. Showin' her who's boss.

It's a new day here at the National Zoo, and this town belongs to me--whether my name is Ling Chu Pa Wong or Bandit.

Just not Butterstick.

Sunday, October 02, 2005


So this morning, Mom woke me up and started honking about how I needed to clean my room. I'm like "What? This is your room too, biznatch." And then she was like "You're going to start walking soon and making messes then you'll have to clean it all the time so you need to practice."

Whatever. I'm calling the ACLU. This is a violation of my rights as a famous panda cub.

I don't know why I'm still in here with her. I want to get out. I want to meet Dad. I want to start scouting the perimeter to find an escape route. That would rock. I'd be all over the news...

[smarmy reporter voice] Welcome to this emergency broadcast. Tonight, the famous and handsome panda cub at the National Zoo has escaped. His whereabouts are unknown, but we should be able to find him because he's so freakin' huge. He's like the biggest panda ever. He was last seen ambling towards Adams Morgan, and everyone there is really scared because even though they were fans of his blog, they never posted any comments on it, and this cub is so enormous he's scary. But cute at the same time. Anyone who has any information on this breaking news story, please call us because we wanna see him too! And maybe buy him an appletini.

Yeah I'll bet that's what they would say.

Bandit Shot:

If you saw this face on the street, you'd buy it a new Xbox 360.

Yeah, I knew it.