Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Bandit, the rascally baby panda born to Mei Xiang and Tian Tian at the National Zoo in Washington, DC, gives interested readers the inside track on his world.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

More March of Madness and Ms. Sharon Ambrose of Ward 6

That is the last time I listen to an orangutan about basketball picks.

They tell you they know everything about b-ball because they have long arms and can dunk, but what they DON'T tell you (and what I'm kicking myself about for not remembering) is that they are the most asinine primates in the animal kingdom.

Duke? Gone.
Syracuse? Done before they started.
Tennessee? Gone.
UNC? Gone (but they were beat by our local boys, the George Mason Pandas, so I didn't mind missing on that pick)
UConn, GONE (again by the Pandas, but what do you expect from a team so named?)

My bracket is a mess. What's worse, I owe money to about 13 different species.

So, onto other news...I'm about a week behind, but an alert fan pointed out this note posted on 3/22. The article came from the Washington Times (apparently the DC Council is discussing making me the official animal of DC, go me!):

PRO: "The panda ought to be one of the strong possibilities," says D.C. Council Chairman Linda W. Cropp, who is running for mayor. The official animal "really should be what captures the imagination of the children and makes them feel good -- and the panda does that."

CON: "The panda should not be it because we should have an animal that is native," says [Sharon Ambrose] the Ward 6 Democrat, who isn't seeking re-election. "We should have an animal that is an American."

Whaaaaa? Does Ms. Sharon Ambrose even read I find it hard to believe that a duly elected official of the people would neglect the one-stop resource on the inner thoughts of the people's choice for President 2008.

Then again, not so hard to believe.

Beeotch, I'm as American as the Golden Corral All-You-Can-Eat Buffet, loud car horns, badass gunslingers, and that pie I always hear people talk about. I was born here, chica! Last I checked, that's enough for citizenship.

No wonder she isn't seeking re-election. Cause she knows she'd LOSE.

Yeah. Take that, sucka.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Bandit's March of Madness

Three weeks have come and gone since I last set down in front of my editor and rambled about my life. I wish I could blame it on her, but--

Scratch that. I am going to blame it on her.

So how my peeps been? I've been setting records in scent-marking (earliest panda to do so on record EVER, gooooo ME!), spying on Dad, and confounding the clownmunch keepers at every turn. So pretty much nothing new or exciting going on down here. Until yesterday. Yesterday, I learned about The March Madness.

So this basketball thing is a pretty big deal, huh? And all guys love basketball right? So therefore Bandit must love it, too? Not so fast. Before I committed myself to fandom, I had to do some research first.

Paolo brought over the March Madness brackets yesterday, and I gnawed on a piece of bamboo while he went over his report. I learned everything I needed to know about all the teams involved, but after that, the chief question in my mind was this: Why are there no teams named after pandas? Do I need to spell it out for you people? We got the coolness, we got the size, we got the ferocity (Don't believe it? Ask Mom about the can of whoopass I opened on her when she tried to take my brackets away yesterday. Ha ha ha. That was funny). Best of all, we're MONEY.

A college naming its team the "(whatever) Pandas" would sell so much merchandising, they'd be an instant dynasty because they could afford to bribe their stars with under-the-table gifts (like a sweet new muscle car) and therefore keep them from going pro. They'd become the Yankees of college basketball!! Or that Duke?

Anyway, there are a lot of lameass team names out there, and I challenge those colleges to take a postitive step toward the future: make the change to Pandas. You won't regret it.

Do any of my fans have The March Madness? The zoo has a pool going and I need help filling out my brackets. I hear the geckos win every year, and I can't allow that to happen.

This time, it's personal.