Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Bandit, the rascally baby panda born to Mei Xiang and Tian Tian at the National Zoo in Washington, DC, gives interested readers the inside track on his world.

Friday, December 23, 2005

FREEEEDOOOM! Well, almost.

WARNING: The following post contains undignified, childlike assessments of the sky and other flora and fauna.

Outside is BIG! You people never told me it was so wide open out there! Eeesh, the sky's like...I don't know...a hundred feet high? Whatever, I'm bad at distances, I'll just say it's big.

I checked the fences as soon as I got outside--I think I may be foiled in my escape plans for the time being...though really that's no big hardship because at least here, my public knows where to find me.

Grass is kind of cool feeling--spongy. Oh and the trees kicked ass. I wanted to climb all the way to the top but the stupid clownmunch zoo put metal thingys on them to keep me from going any higher. The Man's always trying to keep me down.

Mom caught me and came out honking. She was like "This is only the beginning young man--soon you'll be running with gangs and getting into knife fights--Trees are a gateway drug!" and tried to pull me off the limbs but know I won that argument.

Time to catch up with some correspondance. Wingy came to visit me on Monday and afterwards she wrote this:


We just went to see you at the zoo. You were, as could be expected, truly the most adorable thing I'd ever seen. The coolest part was when you backed your little butt up to a tree stump and started scratching away. If people insist on watching you all day, you might as well keep it real.

I also saw that they had a stocking with your name on it down the hall--so I bet Santa will be bringing you lots of presents!

That's for darn certain, Wingy, I keep it real here because if it weren't for me, Mom would have her own dressing room, and Paolo might actually get the "escorts" he's been demanding. Really I don't understand him sometime. What's the big deal about having people walk with you places. I thought only girls needed escorts--to like, dances and weddings or something.

Speaking of weddings and escorts, Hobbitbuddy sent me this note:


Forgot to tell you, you made People Magazine last week! You were in there with Brad and Angelina (you're more beautiful than either of them), Paris Hilton, Nick and Jessica and all the rest. You have DEFINITELY arrived! Congratulations!!!!!

Thank you, thank you. I don't know who Nick and Jessica are, but I'd better win most Badass Panda Alive at some point. Is there any contest?

Pandaholic wrote next:


I am coming to see you! I am bringing 5 of my closest friends. We will be there on January 12th!! Can't wait!

That's awesome, Pandaholic, I will mark it on my wall. Some of my other staff are planning on stopping by that day as well. My editor, publicist, and maybe my lawyer will be there taking notes on the crowds close to 1:00, so I guess Jan. 12th is Staff Appreciation Day here at the Panda House. Yeah, that should please the Panda Employee Union.

Next time I go out into the yard and try to look in Dad's pen, he'd better make himself present or I'm going to cry alimony and demand that he buy me a baseball mitt.

And a Hummer.


At 1:52 PM, Blogger hobbitbuddy said...

Your friend Paolo was on Maury Povich this morning with a bunch of other animals. Maury is one step up from Jerry Springer (but it's not a big step). It was kind of embarrassing. Thought you could use the info for purposes of blackmail.

At 11:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas Bandit!

At 8:15 PM, Blogger hobbitbuddy said...

Menu for Bandit's Christmas dinner:

Roast crown of bamboo
Roasted sweet potatoes with
Pear compote garnished with bamboo
Bamboo stuffing
Leaf eater biscuits
Bamboo salad with carrots
Bamboo crust pie filled with

GIFT: video game for XBox 360: Grand Theft Auto L.A.

For Mom: 3 cases of Coors.

Bon Appetit! Love, Hobbitbuddy

At 8:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bandit, you had quite a big Christmas dinner. But you're eating too much. You need to lose weight. Don't you know that you're overweight just like your mom.

At 1:42 PM, Blogger VP of Dior said...

Bandito! I have tics to see you on Jan 29! Can't wait!

At 9:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't listen to anonymous. You're not overweight. I don't want you to develop an eating disorder like Lindsay Lohan. Just keep working out and you'll continue to look great (and badass). Love, your personal trainer Lauren


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