Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Bandit, the rascally baby panda born to Mei Xiang and Tian Tian at the National Zoo in Washington, DC, gives interested readers the inside track on his world.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


There's a ginormous pic of me on the front page of the Washington Post today. Stupid paparazzi.

Nah, you know I like it. Though I do take offense at the "becomes" part of their headline ("Tai Shan Becomes the Hottest Ticket in Town"). I've uh, ALWAYS been the hottest ticket in town, at least since I was born. Cramz pointed out another potentially devastating error in the caption:

Yo Bandit-What's with the Washington Post? Yeah, they put you on the front page, appropriately, but they clearly mislabeled the photo. It says you are nuzzling your mother. It seems quite obvious to me that you were getting up in her grill and preparing a back-off bark. Don't they see the crazy look in your eyes? Want me to set the Post straight?

YEAH! Stick it to the MAN, Cramz! I'm about to go crazy all over that be-otch in the picture, but they say I'm "nuzzling" her. It all comes down to common sense. You have a cub named Bandit, who's the largest cub of his kind in existence--does he sound like the kind of cub who "nuzzles?"

You know I love the ladies, but I swear, it was definitely a girl who wrote that. You can always tell in these cases.

Speaking of lovely ladies, I have some comments here from my fans that my editor just realized she never brought to my attention. Here's one from Wingy:

Bandit, I am the girl in the photo. While I will concede that I am a girl, and I know you are not, I wasn't drinking frou frou wine. It was actually vodka, but it as a special Halloween goblet with skulls and spiders on it. So, while I will never be as badass as you, I don't want you to think I would dare denigrate your image with such blatant girly girl behavior.

See I can totally get behind a girl who drinks from a goblet with skulls and spiders on it. I appreciate your careful protection of my image, Wingy. I like spiders. Spiders kick ass. I like you too.

My way hot personal trainer Lauren wrote this:

"Bad bear, bad bear, what ya gonna do. What ya gonna do when they come for you..." What the hell does the zoo think you did, Bandit? It looks like they have you in jail (behind bars in den 2). Keep up the training sessions and break out soon! Love, your personal trainer.

I'm doing all I can. They can't contain me for long. I'm way too awesome for this zoo to handle so they try to contain me with those stupid bars. That glass you see in the visitor area is double reinforced bulletproof (Sammy L tested it for me when he was down last time) to keep my enemies from capitalizing on what would be a sitting-duck situation. I can't fight back against glocks when I'm temporarily trapped in my quarters and trying to put on a good show for all of my fans. These are the kind of things you never think about unless you're a world famous panda.

I don't know if new fan JP is a girl or a boy but I always love a good dig at the Zoo AND my editor:

Hey Bandit - what's up with the zoo's website? Your clownmunch editor isn't in charge of it is she? Cause that would explain it I guess... Anyway, can you get your publicist on it? How are you supposed to have a career without the PandaCam?

My always-reliable publicist has been bombarding the zoo with a ton of communiques regarding the unacceptability of problems with the PandaCam. She's got them squirming like worms on a hook, so even though the whole site was down yesterday, I'm TOLD (I'm talking to you, zoo servants) that it is better today. It had BETTER not happen again.

Two more things, yes I go on public view Dec. 8th. No I can't get you tickets. It's one of the great injustices of the 21st century that they didn't give me discretionary tickets to use as I please.

Typical clownmunches.


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