Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Bandit, the rascally baby panda born to Mei Xiang and Tian Tian at the National Zoo in Washington, DC, gives interested readers the inside track on his world.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Hell Hath No Fury Like Bandit Wronged


Today's Express features a blog from some clownmunch POSING as me AND using that hated name. I hate to legitimize a blog that's so completely offensive but I need my fans to go look at it if for no other reason but to join me in my rage.


One of the 8,000 things that has me so mad: Express calls it my "personal blog"--uh hello. This person makes me sound like a pansy idiot and about as intelligent as the next doorknob. Like Tarzan, only way less badass. "Me Stick--huh huh--You...WAY TOO COOL TO WASTE ANY MORE TIME READING THAT MORON'S VERSION OF MY LIFE!"

I wanna go tear into some geckos or something. I gotta take my rage somewhere.

Ok, I'm back. Don't ask what I just did to the pile of straw over by my favorite climbing rock.

My editor has suggested I make a list of all the things wrong with that blog, and that maybe that will help me work through my OUT OF CONTROL FURY (yes Anonymous, the media's trying to keep me down because of that very reason):

10) The presence of that name
9) Frequent references to that name
8) Started a mere two days ago. In reality, I've been blogging for over four months
7) The idiot manner of speaking of oneself in the third-person
6) Mom is referred to as Momma (what a baby! geez) and is an obvious rip-off of Bobby Boucher's Momma in The Waterboy
5) That clownmunch subtitle "Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful"
4) Positive and SEXUAL references to Wonkette **shudder**
3) Obvious lack of photo editing talent
2) Makes me sound pitiful and sad. Tell me homies, when I'm chasing the zookeeper around, and tumbling off rocks and barking and hamming it up for reporters, do I sound lonely?

And the #1 reason why that blog sucks...

COMPLETE LACK OF FANS! My fans rule!! I meant to give you all a big shout out for coming to my defense last week when some rag posted something saying that my name is Butterstick and that I'm perpetuating fraud or some munchish nonsense like that. That was way cool of you. And don't worry. That anonymous poster will suffer mightily for daring to insult me.

Now let's go out there and make sure my REAL voice gets heard.



At 12:19 PM, Anonymous JP said...

Hey Bandit - what a clownmunch this hoser is... it would be laughable if it weren't so pathetic and sad.

We all know who the true blogging panda is - no worries. And btw how does "B**Stick" justify not blogging for the past four months? Some pathetic excuse about "not being able to reach the keyboard" or some crap.

It's probably some lame keeper at the zoo who is just jealous of your fabulous blog.

Keep the faith.

At 2:36 PM, Blogger hobbitbuddy said...

I just checked out the OTHER blog, and I think I'll need to go into therapy. It was truly frightening.

At 2:53 PM, Blogger Brian said...

Bandit, I went to the other site, and what can I say, other then that I want to shoot myself? I never knew a blog could be so depressing. They turned you into the equivalent of starving kids in Africa.


At 10:25 PM, Blogger Larissa said...

Bandit, it's all about you baby. That other blog isn't even close!

At 7:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, big boy are you OK. That sure is some scary blogging. How did you find out about that phony...oh never mind it doesn't even matter. We all know you are the prince of the pandas. Hang tight'll get through this. We'll all help you cause your so worth it!

At 10:25 AM, Blogger Butterstick said...

Hello Other Bear!!!!

At 12:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Any guy would be happy to get it on with Wonkette. Have you seen her? HOT! And she can't get enough of THE STICK.


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