Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Bandit, the rascally baby panda born to Mei Xiang and Tian Tian at the National Zoo in Washington, DC, gives interested readers the inside track on his world.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Meet Paolo the Fennec Fox

So I realize it's been awhile since I told a new story. This one's about Dad.

You may wonder how I know anything about him since the Zoo won't let me see him, and according to Mom he must look something like a cross between Smokey the Bear and the Fonz. Very strange mental picture.

But the geckos aren't the only one at the Zoo with an elaborate network of spies and informants.

Allow me to tell you about the fennec fox. The zoo likes to say they only have a handful, but really, they run the most extensive system of wiretaps in DC. The government studies THEM to learn the tricks of the trade.

Being the highly foresighted panda that I am, I've befriended a fennec fox who goes by the name Paolo. His real name is Earl, but he thinks he's Italian, so I don't correct him and we get along fine. I let him play my Xbox 360 (yes I do have one now) and he brings me the word on the outside. The pic is of Paolo.

So apparently, Dad's been writing to another woman. It's kind of gross, because she's a polar bear in another part of the Zoo and he's a way cooler panda, but I try not to think about how that might work. I think he's just lonely because Mom spends so much of her time with me he doesn't think she likes him any more. Still, as much as Mom annoys me and pisses me off, I didn't want Dad to hurt her.

So Paolo and I intervened. The fox network intercepted a note meant for a gecko underboss to expose Dad's secret to Mom. Simultaneously, some of the foxes crept into the polar bear's lair (they're some of the most badass little animals I know) and stole all of Dad's letters, burying the evidence in a big cart of poo as it was on its way to the waste disposal facility.

Then, some of the foxes got some information from a wiretap that the geckos had squirreled away some letters just in case of such a situation, and that even as I was getting the report, the letters were on their way to Mom's liquor cabinet (the only place she would notice them).

Thinking quickly, I broke into her liquor cabinet and hid myself in the far back (yeah, the cabinet is that large) waiting for the unsuspecting gecko errand boy to deliver the letters.

Let's just say Mom never found those letters, and the geckos still haven't figured out what happened to their errand boy.

Paolo had a long talk with Dad, who admitted he thought Mom had lost interest in him, and Paolo smacked him on the nose for being such a clownmunch and told him to go buy her something pretty with lots of zeros on the pricetag.

Like I said, Paolo fancies himself a great ladies man, so he couldn't resist doling out the advice.

Keeping peace at the Panda House is a full time job.


At 9:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo Butterstick,
I don't know what kind of bamboo you're smoking, but you've gotta cut back.
Next, stop calling me Paolo. I'm not into this phoney name thing.
My name is FENNELSEED.
Just because you're the new cutie on the block doesn't allow you to give everyone new names.
You're BUTTERSTICK. Live with it.

And next time you're lighting one up, don't forget your bud Fennelseed.

At 11:18 AM, Blogger Brian said...

Fennelseed? Butterstick?

Who let Gecko's start posting on the blog? Where is Cramz when you need him.

At 5:20 PM, Anonymous blue said...

fennelseeds, don't those come out of my sh*t intact?


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