Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Bandit, the rascally baby panda born to Mei Xiang and Tian Tian at the National Zoo in Washington, DC, gives interested readers the inside track on his world.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

That editor's got some 'splaining to do!

We have some major catching up to do. I've had comment after comment rolling in, and that clownmunch I call an editor has done nothing to pass them my way.

Thankfully the Bandit faithful have done their part to keep this blog interesting. Here's the complete rundown--WITH answers.

First off we have a new "poster" to the Bandit blog. Everyone, welcome Blue:

Dearest Bandit,
I find you totally awesome. However, I have a question. Beneath that tough rebel-like (soft and fuzzy) exterior, theres a sweet panda in you somewhere, right? Admit it!

*mumbling*...maybe... But that doesn't mean I'm any less badass! I'm a well-rounded panda, which explains why I have so many different fans.

Then Hobbitbuddy wrote:

Hey Bandit,I am definitely a "she". And I wuv the stuffing out of you!

I must say, I'm glad to have that mystery cleared up. Also, I think if she'd just typed "I wuv the stuffing out of you" I would have figured it out for myself. Has anyone ever heard of a guy typing "wuv?"

So, ok. H wrote something next, but I'm not sure what he/she means:

If Bond can have Q, then Bandit can have H. And you should be kinder to your poor dear sainted Mother! Sure, didn't she bring you in to this world could she not take you out? Wouldn't want to see that since you're such delicious little eye candy.Thanks for the laughs, I had to grip the wall on this one I was laughing so hard. Yours, H

Let's dissect this a bit. The Bond and Q bit--H, are you applying to be my gadget woman? (I'm thinking H is a she as well, so maybe we'll find out on that one too.) If so I'd be happy to make you a part of the staff. Next, about my mom. Sainted? Are we sure on that one, because if you've heard the things she's honked about first hand, you might not think that way. Yeah she brought me into the world--which is by far the coolest thing she's ever done in her entire life. Honestly, did any of you know the name of the female panda at the Zoo until I came on the scene?

Didn't think so. Oh and I'm always glad to make any fan laugh.

Moving on, the HAnD followed up with this:

BANDIT- what up?!? I have posted before and really love your insight and humor. The job I would love to have on your staff is to be your #1 fan. I am a dude (as I know you are looking for some male bonding), and really, just wanna kick it with ya. As you and I can both agree, work is for the birds (and the jack asses over on the other side of the Zoo). Just let me know what I can do, cause I am stoked for this position.

Hmm. #1 Fan? Not sure I can make that a staff position because really how can you tell something like that? But the interest is cool so let me think...what about Fan Reporter? You can let me know anytime you see a Bandit fan making mention of me somewhere else online. Like a Fan Reporter of sorts. That would be cool.

Oh and dude, I'm not looking for male bonding exactly. Just a little equal representation on the staff. Welcome on board.

Then Hobbitbuddy dropped this doozy on me:

Me again Bandit,
You were lamenting the lack of "hot panda babes" in an earlier post. Well, check out the San Diego Zoo website to see a panda babe who'll knock your little black eyes out! And, best of all, she's just your age! Check out those "Playpanda" poses and that sexy "come hither" look. She's the panda equivalent of Pam Anderson, and she's only 11 weeks old!

Ok so I was kinda like "ew" when I read this. Like, I want to look at hot panda babes, but ones my own age have cooties. But you made me curious so I went to their website. What the heck were they doing posting pics on the internet of a little girl posing on red satin?!? I'm enraged for her. Like, I want to go kick some asses over in San Diego or something.

She's, uh, kinda cute, in a cootiesish way. And I thought the National Zoo was infested with clownmunches.

Poor kid.

H had something to say on the subject as well:

Hobbitbuddy, I've seen at that San Diego panda and ...quite frankly, I'm not too impressed. I mean once you've gazed upon Bandit can any other panda come close on the cuteness scale? Besides, can you see Mei letting him date?Did you see this morning how quickly Bandit bolted for the den? I can't believe how good he's getting at walking. And I absolutely love it when he lays on his back with those paws dangling in the air, twitching away. I often wonder what he's dreaming about. I can't BELIEVE how much Panda's sleep! I'm almost jealous lol


H, my friend, you really do not want to know what I'm dreaming about. It's pretty messed up. And you're right, it's really not fair to put that poor little girl up against me for cuteness. Because she's got the sweet and innocent cute going on but I'm super badass cute. There's no contest.

So Hobbitbuddy replied right back to H:

Dear H,
They took the really "hot" pictures with "Baby Girl Panda" off the slideshow. She is sweet, but you're right, Bandit is the most excruciatingly painfully cute panda ever born. BANDIT RULES!

Hahahaha right on! H thought that was a good way to put it as well:

>>>excruciatingly painfully cute panda ever born>> LOL! Great description. I know, he sure is panda perfect, the cutest panda ever. Maybe I'm prejudiced, an east coast type of thing. But I don't think sooooo. For all the things that Washington offers, I can't BELIEVE its a Panda that makes me want to go there. Well, I guess its not just ANY panda. H

Wait, so H you don't live near Washington? Dude, you totally have to come here and see me when I come out. I'm kind of the coolest thing in this city. EAST COASSSST!

Hobbitbuddy elaborated then:

We all know where the REAL power in Washington lies, and it's NOT at the White House! I'll bet the day our Bandit goes out to meet his public for the first time there will literally be hundreds of people trying to push their way in to the viewing area to worship at the altar of his overwhelming adorableness. God help Dubya if he schedules a news conference that day; no one from the press will show up! They'll all be at Asia Trail broadcasting our boy.

There's probably more truth to that than the Bush administration would want to admit. No one in this town really cares who did something corrupt now (really, can anyone keep track?). Everyone just wants to know when I'm coming out to meet my public. And I'm cooler than anything related to the federal government just by default of my badassness.

And THEEEEEN??! Cramz applied for a job!

I'm a bit hesitant to apply for this position because I suspect you can handle yourself pretty well, but I'd like to apply to be your head of security.I'm a pretty big tough guy and previously worked security at Madam's Organ. While there I had to exhibit badassness on several occasions using only a maglite flashlight and angry stares to keep the unruly drunks in line. My hobbies include playing way too many sports, drinking a bit too much beer, and stomping lots of gekkos.I would be ideally suited to make sure that you are protected from the various clown munches who want to mess with you and your posse. And I'll keep your mom of your back and out of your business. You need room to operate and get your groove on. I can help.

Even the toughest most badass guy in the biz needs someone to head up his security department, cause really--do I want to busy myself in the day to day drugery of knocking heads together? I mean, it can be really time consuming. Don't worry, I'll still mutilate geckos whenever the mood seizes me but it'll be nice to have someone to watch my back. Go Cramz.

Oh and this is probably the coolest thing I've heard all day. From an "Anonymous":

BANDIT- we have some great Halloween pictures of the costumes we made. (We went as momma panda and Bandit!!!) We would like to share them with you, but do not have your e-mail. If you could let us know where to send the picture, I would appreciate it. THANKS!!

This is so cool I don't know what to do with myself. I'm, like, headbanging or something. I have to see pictures. My email address is I'll post them on my blog. Oh and Ally, thanks again for those pics, I promise I will use them.

Next comment I got was from H (again):

>>>worship at the altar of his overwhelming adorableness>> ROFL! Love that line. Did you get a view of the new pictures on Animal Planet? AND the new video. I cannot believe how big he is now. What a hunk!

I'm a bit confused. Who said "worship at the altar of his overwhelming adorableness." I couldn't find it anywhere and I want to give credit where it's due because, hey, I'm flattered. This is kind of why I hope H is a female--that "what a hunk!" line. I mean it's no big deal if H is a dude because he's a human dude, and it's really not a big deal, but that's the first time I've ever been called a hunk (growing up ROCKS!) and I'm wanting it to be from someone of the female persuasion.

Oh and just to note: Animal Planet apparently has a special planned to air in December about the "panda family at the National Zoo" which you know will be all about me. Just a heads up.

And lastly, Hobbitbuddy one more time:

Bandit,Ol' Sammy L' must be proud of you for unleashing a major can of whup ass on your clownmunch doctors!That's the LAST time they'll try shoving things where they don't belong! You rock and rule! Luv ya!

YEAH! That needle sucked ASS. Stupid rags.


At 6:53 AM, Anonymous H said...

Bandit makes the news. There's a link (and pic) of our wee Bandit on that website. Pretty cavalier with that camera in your face Bandit.

At 3:03 PM, Blogger hobbitbuddy said...

Bandit you're a rock star! Did you know that the zoo announced Tuesday that 66,000 tickets were being sold for your fans to grovel before your paws in adoration and worship at the temple of your unbelievable cuteness starting next Monday? Did you also know that all 66,000 tickets sold out within two hours? At that rate, considering this is a dry run for next month when you go outside to meet hundreds more of your fans, your ticket sales are exceeding the per hour sales figures for Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones. YOU ROCK BIG TIME!


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