Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Bandit, the rascally baby panda born to Mei Xiang and Tian Tian at the National Zoo in Washington, DC, gives interested readers the inside track on his world.

Friday, November 04, 2005

New Hires

See, this is why I keep a lawyer on the staff:

I think the chick in the picture is the zoo's version of the obligatory hot girl that frequently stands beside badass stuff. Like, you see girls in bikinis standing next to hot rides and sweet bikes all the time in pictures. And badass rappers can't even be in a photo without some honey showing tons of cleavage nearby. I mean, even James Bond had his Bond girls. So I think she was probably just thrown into the picture as yet another mark of your awesomeness, as if we didn't know. And of course, she's not in a bikini because I don't think scientists are really bikini people. I bet most of them have one-pieces.

This is totally what happened. I think next time they need to make sure it's more immediately obvious. Like, put me on a pedestal with flame decals ringing the base. And maybe use some oil on the chick to make her super shiny.

Lauren has applied to be my personal trainer--we are of the same mind that I am in great shape, but even the most badass cuteness needs a little tune-up now and then.

Hobbitbuddy was astute enough to point out my confusion with that one pic I had posted to my gallery before I took it down today. See ok, I was blind when I was two weeks old, so I have no idea what I looked like. Hobbitbuddy helpfully pointed out that it was a picture of that girl at the San Diego Zoo, and that these clownmunches at the NATIONAL Zoo were afraid to pick me up at first so that's why I don't have any pictures of me at that age. Hey Washingtonian Zoopeople--get some backbone a'ight?

Anyway, I just assumed that all pictures I ran across were of me (who wouldn't?). I've taken the pic down and put up another (cuter one) of me.

Today, I made page 3 of USA Today, and I totally have fans across the country now. Welcome Kristen to my staff:

Position Applying for: West Coast Representative totally rule the panda world. I think you're right, that belly with just the right mixture of muscle and chunk raises your cuteness factor off the charts. After thinking long and hard about this, I think you need some West Coast representation. I live in LA and you have a lot of fans out here. Fans that are willing to make the trek to DC when your mom finally decides to let you out of the den on a more "regular" basis (after all, we would love to see your mom and dad, but it's YOU that we really want to see). Whatever it is that you need out here, I can do it...I'm your girl!

You are one smart human, Kristen. I totally need West Coast (Wesst Coasssst!) representation, especially if my merchandising gets off the ground. I gotta reach out to both sides of the nation.

Finally, gotta give a major shout out to Ally. She has been with me from the very beginning and she's finally applied for a job as my Official Royal Photographer. So as we welcome Ally, Kristen, and Lauren to the staff, I'll leave you with one of Ally's pics--one that Kristen may use in promoting me to Cali, and one that accurately demonstrates the fabulous bod Lauren and I will be working on in the future.

So, I say to you....



At 11:58 PM, Blogger hobbitbuddy said...

I was quite surprised after I read the blog your servants posted about you and your Mom "playing" on the zoo website. Have you been watching Bruce Lee kung fu movies?
Your Mom seems to be losing whatever control she has over you because it sounds like you beat the crap out of her ( but SHE started it). I also watched the two of you going at it on pandacam today and was extremely impressed with the kicks you delivered to your Mom's face. I'll bet if her eyes weren't already black, she'd have a couple of REAL shiners! You also have excellent mastery over your front paws because once Mom loosened her grip after you kicked her, you started slapping her across the snout. The sight of her head snapping backwards in slo-mo was awe-inspiring. I was going to call Panda Cub Welfare and report your Mom's abuse, but you can definitely handle yourself. You go, Bandit!

At 11:04 PM, Blogger hobbitbuddy said...

Congratulations Bandit! According to today's zoo blog (11/05), you've beaten her down. You're free (or as free as you can be living in a zoo)!

At 11:27 AM, Anonymous H said...

Hey Bandit, where did you get that picture of you with the keeper? That's a great picture and look at her, she's totally in love with you.

At 11:33 AM, Anonymous H said...

Nevermind LOL! I just read the last paragraph. I love that picture; you're so cute! And that loyal minion in the photo clearly worships you. In fact, I think they all pretty much worship you there at the zoo. As it should be lol

At 1:10 PM, Anonymous H said...

There's NOTHING on earth cuter than Bandit climbing those rocks today in the exhibit area. How did he get out there? Does anyone know? Momma may drive you nuts, Bandit, but she is a world class mother. You better get her something good for Mother's day :)

OMG, I just saw you running after your mother, that's a first. (God, I'm ADDICTED)


Post a Comment

<< Home