Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Bandit, the rascally baby panda born to Mei Xiang and Tian Tian at the National Zoo in Washington, DC, gives interested readers the inside track on his world.

Monday, November 14, 2005

So say that again...I can't meet Dad??

Well that was an interesting weekend. Judging by all the crazed fans crowding my view of the people area, and all the flashes going off, I've been suitably immortalized in many scrapbooks around the area.

Btw, Mom's little "Let's drag Bandit by the head, occasionally dropping him on the concrete floor" trick is so old it's got mold on it. I've been really lenient on her lately, due to the requests I've gotten on here to treat her nicer, and she just gets more and more out of hand. It's fun to bait her though, so while she's dragging me, I get my kicks asking her how the lemur house was last night.

So did anyone see that back-asswards comment on the Zoo blog about how since panda fathers don't ever have anything to do with their kids in the wild, they have "no plans right now to introduce our cub to his father."

WTH?? Do we look like wild pandas? I mean, I know I'm badass, and I could rip a hole in an elephant large enough to fly a B-52 through if I wanted to (which I wouldn't because elephants are pretty awesome and that would wind up being more gross than cool) but my mom wouldn't know how to find a bamboo grove in the wild if it decked itself out with blinky Christmas lights and put up glowing dioramas showing her exactly how to harvest her own bamboo. Dad is probably better, but still, can I take it down to bottom-line-cynical terms?

We are proverbial cash cows. Me most of all. Do you think the Zoo (or China for that matter) has any intention of reintroducing us to the wild? We raise money for all those poor grubby wild pandas in the jungles of Outer Mongolia who don't have servants at their beck and call, and a personal staff to make sure our every needs are covered. We give them a better life.

And we sure as heck are staying put. So what's the harm in letting me meet Dad? What do they think he'll do, think I'm competition or something? Please. I'm going to be way bigger than Dad, and I promise I won't hurt him. Besides, I've put up with Mom long enough. All this estrogen is going to kill me if I don't get to hang with the old man at least ONCE before I'm deported.

Dude, this is depressing.

Hobbitbuddy, that bamboo icecream is sounding pretty good right now. And maybe a sno-cone?

Oh fyi: the BanditWear shop is almost ready for business. It needs a few tweaks so it's not ready yet, but I just wanted my peeps to know I haven't forgotten them, and I'm working with my staff night and day (between powernaps) to bring ways for you to show your BanditFan pride wherever you live.



At 9:36 PM, Blogger hobbitbuddy said...

Essence of bamboo sno-cone on the way! Be careful when you chomp down on it; shaved ice can make your teeth hurt and give you a headache. That's probably what's wrong with your Mom: too many panda popsicles have affected her brain.

At 9:46 PM, Anonymous JP said...

Hey Bandit - what's up with the zoo's website? Your clownmunch editor isn't in charge of it is she? Cause that would explain it I guess... Anyway, can you get your publicist on it? How are you supposed to have a career without the PandaCam?

At 10:44 AM, Anonymous Cramz said...

Yo Bandit-

What's with the Washington Post? Yeah, they put you on the front page, appropriately, but they clearly mislabeled the photo. It says you are nuzzling your mother. It seems quite obvious to me that you were getting up in her grill and preparing a back-off bark. Don't they see the crazy look in your eyes? Want me to set the Post straight?


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