Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Bandit, the rascally baby panda born to Mei Xiang and Tian Tian at the National Zoo in Washington, DC, gives interested readers the inside track on his world.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Some Boring Business Stuff

So, um, I just thought I should come clean with all my fans...I uh, knew all along that Monica wasn't an obsessed fan. OF COURSE she's my publicist. Doesn't that make sense? I wasn't fooled ever. But I realize that some of my comments might have mislead some of my stupider readers.

Since I knew everything all along, it makes sense that I should explain. So when I started this site, my staff thought it would be smart to test the comments portion, and see how well I could handle that kind of unstable aggressive female attention.

Wait, that sounds like I didn't know. Which is all wrong, because I did.

They told me to ACT like I didn't know, just to see how I would react. Yeah that's closer to how it really went down. And I did really well! I did so well, Monica (my publicist, NOT the hot panda) has suggested we send some headshots to Hollywood. Then Katie, my lawyer, put in some snarky comment about how we should wait until my head no longer resembles a ferret before we go sending glossies all around LA. I fired her.

But I'm a cool boss, so I hired her back. Then Michelle, my boring nerdish editor wanted to play around with the achtemal, or whatever that is, and put a list of my staff on the site. These are my PERSONAL employees, not the army of paeons the Zoo keeps paying to shovel my crap out of the straw.

I have many positions still available, and I'm open to suggestions since I've never hired a full staff on my own before. What I'm looking for:
-An ability to annoy Mom at every turn
-Hotness (for females)
-Badassness (for guys)
-The ability to look cool and impressive during slowmo shots of all of us walking side by side down a street and/or riding around in a vintage convertible.
-Creativity to deal with those clownmunch renegade geckos (more on that later).

Tap the "Click to Apply" link beneath the Staff list, or go directly to the comments on this post.



At 1:33 PM, Anonymous Sara said...

Name: Sara

Position Applying For: Event/Party Planner

Qualifications: Since first delving into event planning, I have planned and helped plan numerous parties and fundraising events. Highlights include the Bubble party (and its 2005 reincarnation: the "Bubbles and Bubbly" party), the "Tell Santa Your Dreams" party, and the "Bling Bling" party. (copies of invitations available upon request)

Ideas for Bandit: For the more sophisticated crowds, a bamboo-tasting party is always appropriate. A "Come as Your Favorite Vice City Character" party is fun for Halloween.

At 1:37 PM, Blogger Bandit said...

Oh, kickass!! An event and party planner! I can't wait for my first party.

I mean, sure yeah, that sounds cool. You're hired (I think that's what I say?)

My editor will post the new position.


At 3:39 PM, Blogger THE HAnD said...

BANDIT- what up?!? I have posted before and really love your insight and humor.

The job I would love to have on your staff is to be your #1 fan. I am a dude (as I know you are looking for some male bonding), and really, just wanna kick it with ya. As you and I can both agree, work is for the birds (and the jack asses over on the other side of the Zoo). Just let me know what I can do, cause I am stoked for this position.

At 12:01 PM, Anonymous Cramz said...

I'm a bit hesitant to apply for this position because I suspect you can handle yourself pretty well, but I'd like to apply to be your head of security.

I'm a pretty big tough guy and previously worked security at Madam's Organ. While there I had to exhibit badassness on several occasions using only a maglite flashlight and angry stares to keep the unruly drunks in line.

My hobbies include playing way too many sports, drinking a bit too much beer, and stomping lots of gekkos.

I would be ideally suited to make sure that you are protected from the various clown munches who want to mess with you and your posse. And I'll keep your mom of your back and out of your business. You need room to operate and get your groove on. I can help.

At 4:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

BANDIT- we have some great Halloween pictures of the costumes we made. (We went as momma panda and Bandit!!!) We would like to share them with you, but do not have your e-mail. If you could let us know where to send the picture, I would appreciate it. THANKS!!

At 9:52 PM, Blogger hobbitbuddy said...

Name: Hobbitbuddy
Position applying for: chef

Since your teeth have sprouted so nicely, and you will soon begin munching on bamboo, I would like to apply for a job as your personal chef. Bamboo, as a solitary entree, can get tiresome, so I would find new and imaginitive ways to prepare and serve bamboo for your culinary pleasure. For example, how does roasted bamboo served with baked sweet potatoes, carrot strips and broiled gekko tails sound? For dessert would be a bamboo/apple compote with dainty lemur fingers on the side. If that doesn't strike your fancy, I could prepare barbequed bamboo, coconut bamboo, lemon bamboo, fried bamboo, bamboo stew, bamboo creole...

At 9:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude - In the latest film they refer to your "big fat belly," saying that you're having some trouble getting around on your hind legs because of the above mentioned "belly." Does that offend you? I like the belly look but if it's not working for you, I'd be happy to offer some personal training.


At 7:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Bandit,
It's me again. I'd love to be your personal trainer (even though you're already in great shape)!

At 12:31 PM, Anonymous Kristen said...

Position Applying for: West Coast Representative totally rule the panda world. I think you're right, that belly with just the right mixture of muscle and chunk raises your cuteness factor off the charts.

After thinking long and hard about this, I think you need some West Coast representation. I live in LA and you have a lot of fans out here. Fans that are willing to make the trek to DC when your mom finally decides to let you out of the den on a more "regular" basis (after all, we would love to see your mom and dad, but it's YOU that we really want to see). Whatever it is that you need out here, I can do it...I'm your girl!

At 12:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Bad bear, bad bear, what ya gonna do. What ya gonna do when they come for you..." What the hell does the zoo think you did, Bandit? It looks like they have you in jail (behind bars in den 2). Keep up the training sessions and break out soon! Love, your personal trainer.

At 2:26 PM, Anonymous Pandaholic said...

Dear Bandit,
I work on Capitol Hill and we are all obsessed with you! We have pictures of you all over our office and watch the live feed every day. I would like to apply to be your lobbyist here on the Hill - especially if you decide to apply for your citizenship and stay here. We can make a new law for you! We will have a Bandit-ocracy (although we secretly refer to you as Butterstick...) What do you think?

Pandaholic on the Hill

At 2:42 PM, Blogger VP of Dior said...

Name: VP of Dior

Position Applying For: Personal Stylist

Qualifications:First, let me say your coat is amazing. Black and white is always in. Black is especially making a comeback this year, BTW. I have been a slave to fashion for 23 yrs and believe that one’s personal style should represent taste and passion. I have styled myself, family members, clueless ex-boyfriends, doggie companions, and hapless sorority sisters in need. My biggest client was Dolly, the cloned sheep, who I inspired to embrace the wonders of Diane von Furstenberg wrap dresses.

DC is not known for its fashion savvy. Do not fret – I will make you even more bad-ass and avoid anything that resembles a Brooks Brother wool sweater. I see you rockin’ a younger, polished version of Brad Pitt’s style (let’s face it you’re just as hot as Pitt!). The Denim Bar in A-Town has fabulous distressed jeans that will look great on that little tushy (no doubt the time with the trainer is paying off!). Perhaps mix a D-squared bomber jacket with a new t-shirt from your own line, and throw in Dior shades. And to keep things down to earth pair it with a vintage brim hat from Eastern Market. You would be the most stylin mofo up in that zoo piece!

If you are not sure about this style, I will gladly listen to your wants and needs. I shall avoid any designers who use fur, including the heinous J-Lo. I hope you like my vision and it would be my great honor to style you.

"Fashion anticipates, and elegance is a state of mind ... a mirror of the time in which we live, a translation of the future, and should never be static." -Oleg Cassini

At 4:13 AM, Blogger The Heretic said...

I’m wondering if anyone has made you aware of the real star power you have at your finger tips at this point. I know you have a publicist who keeps your public image clean and lovable, but with the kind of public recognition you already have, there is so much you could do.

Just look at all Mickey Mouse has accomplished, Disney is a veritable empire because of his reach and influence. You a star kid, and the sky is the limits for you, and not just show business either. These days your public image can be spun in nearly any direction. You could even be president someday.

What I think you need is a political and financial strategist, someone to watch out for your future, using your prestige now to guarantee you power and influence later in life.

--Victor Wrath--


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