An Ode to Monica

Dude...it looks like I have a fan.

Like, not like I don't have millions of fans, but this one is persistently posting comments on my website. It's kind of cool. I want more fans like her.

Mom saw some of the posts and she told me I should just ignore her, that she's a bad influence and that I'm too young for her, but Mom's a TOOL. I called her that too, and she just honked and was all like "I don't know what that means, but I'm going to ask your father and when he tells me, I'm going to come back in here and you're going to get it young man!"

Did you catch that? My dad's so hands off, he has to dole out my punishments by proxy. What a clownmunch.

So anyway back to Monica. That's a hot name...Monica. I wonder if she's a panda, too. Do you think she's a hot panda? Monica the Hot Panda. Hey, it could be true. And she says I'm badass, which is way cool. And I'll bet she doesn't look a thing like Mom. That would suck more than...wow I need to get out there because I have pretty much exhausted the realm of my experience. I guess it would suck more than that FX show "Starved."

Anyway, I want more fans like Monica. And they don't all have to be hot pandas. They don't even have to be pandas, I'm open-minded. I'll write something about each fan I get, how does that work for a bribe?