Inner Monologue of Bandit the Panda

Birthday Reflections and Setting the Record Straight.

2006-07-10T11:55:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to me, baby! Mom hogged lots of my fruitscicle but other than that, I had a pretty sweet day. Lots of fans came out to wish me well, and the Zoo put on a pretty good party when you consider their modus operandi is spelled L-A-M-E.

Lots of people were talking about me again this week. It was nice to be news again.

However.

I saw this travesty of an interview published in that poor-man's newspaper, "express". I have to take a moment to give the real answers.

express: Happy birthday. So, can I call you Butterstick?
fake express Bandit imposter: Ugh, no. Sure, it was sweet when I was tiny. But do you know how much it hurts to constantly hear, "Hey Butterbutt! Hey, Butterball!"
Bandit: Ok, this guy got part of it right. We all know how I feel about that name and all variations thereof. But it's not because it "hurts." Please. Do you think I clutch my paw to my heart and whimper when I get called those names? I'll give you a hint. My real retaliation usually involves bamboo and blowtorches.

express: Moving on. How does the nation's cutest celebrity plan to celebrate?
fake express Bandit imposter: The zoo is planning a party. The first 1,000 people get cupcates. Me? I get cards.
Bandit: Huh? Cards? Everyone knows cards are the cop-out birthday present. I only accept cards with presents in $100 denominations. And cards from fans. I love cards from fans. But the zoo knows they owe me more. They got me a GIANORMOUS fruitsicle, a new pool filled with water, TWO new toys, and a soccer ball.

express: They'll be showing the video of your birth. Won't that be exciting?
fake express Bandit imposter: Oooh, you mean the one where I slide out of my ma and bonk my head on the wall? Fun. And a bonus -- I get to watch my parents doing it.
Bandit: EW! EW EW EW. What kind of demented clownmunch do these people take me for? Who wants to see...think about their parents...NO I can't even say it. And I would never use the word "bonk." My integrity as the coolest panda in the world has been violated.

express: How do you feel about Tian Tian?
fake express Bandit imposter: Deadbeat. Next!
Bandit: I'll kill him. I'll kill the bastard for calling my dad a deadbeat. Doesn't he see the mega fence? What about the legions of clownmunch zookeepers doing their best to keep us apart? Dad would be all cool with me if they let him come around. That's like throwing a guy in jail and then fining him for not spending more time with his kids.

express: So, any big plans for this year?
fake express Bandit imposter: I want to find new ways to jump on Mommy's back. Kick my bamboo habit. Oh, and escape.
Bandit: So this is the closest this guy comes to a semi-accurate answer. I do like jumping on Mom's back (no "Mommy" for me, thank you) just like I like ruining her liquor cabinet. No need to kick the bamboo because uh hello its GOOD FOR YOU. Hobbitbuddy would be so offended to know that someone wants me to kick bamboo. As for escaping, you know I love it, but it's been done. I can do it again if I want, no big deal.

express: Escape?
fake express Bandit imposter: I got me a plan. One of the giraffes is smuggling me a Raquel Welch poster and a rock hammer.
Bandit: Ok, points for the Shawshank reference, but this guy isn't even trying anymore. Everyone knows a giraffe couldn't smuggle a peanut into a late-run movie theatre. They're HUGE. Paolo can smuggle rings around the crafitiest giraffe. Besides, I'd take a chopper over sewer drainage lines anyday.

express: Why would you want to escape?
fake express Bandit imposter: Honestly, I just want to hear if the new Metro voice is as annoying as everyone keeps saying it is.
Bandit: Sigh. This is what they publish for the reading public. A "butterstick" who wants to spend months digging himself out of the zoo just to hear the new Metro voice. If they'd contacted the source instead of using a false mouthpiece, they would have gotten the better, more accurate answer: Because I have a date with DESTINY, SUCKAZ! Bandit for President, 2008! Hoo-ah!

express: Will you be sad to leave for China?
fake express Bandit imposter: Leave? What do you mean? Nobody told me...Hmm, do you think Brangelina will adopt me?
Bandit: No, dumbass, and you know why? Because I'm uh, not leaving? Yeah you heard right. Bandit is 100% Made in the USA and I ain't goin NOWHERE.

Tool.

Bandit and Barbaro

2006-05-23T10:45:00.000-04:00

Pandaholic wrote:
Where have you been? We miss you!

Bandit is a lazy panda?

Uh, yeah sorry about that. I haven't forgotten about my peeps, but I have been kind of a clownmunch for deserting you for so long.

Let's see, what's happening in the world. I hit 50 pounds...but that's kind of boring. What else?

OH! How could I forget? Friday night, some van pulled up to the Panda House and Mom went running up the ramp. I was like hold the phone! You can't just take my mom somewhere and expect me to let her go without a squeak. So I bounded up after her.

She was all annoyed and told me I was going to cramp her style. I told that bitch to shut up.

We rode in the van, like, forever. It was super boring. They transfered us to this tiny golf cart/van thing, and when we stopped, a guy pulled open the door and I about knocked him over trying to get out into the light. It was morning, and Mom and I were in some kind of room with views of a racetrack on three sides. I climbed up to peer over the railing and saw loads of people everywhere.

"This is bogus," I told Mom, but she was all, I didn't ask you to come along. Whatever. She already had salt poured on the back of her paw. Tequila shots at 10:00 in the morning--that's my mother.

Apparently we had box seats because the drunken people at this thing wouldn't be able to handle seeing pandas loose in the crowd. I think that's discrimination. I didn't do anything wrong.

Well...I hadn't done anything wrong yet.

But hey, I figured if they're going to confine me I'd better give them a reason. (I looked back and saw Mom sucking on a lemon. She has some weird drinking rituals.) I blew the scene. I'd heard that horse Barbaro was pretty badass, so I wanted to see him and wish him good luck.

It's funny, as I was barreling down the ramps to the stables, people moved out of my way. Some of them were like "AHHH!!" but I heard some others be like "What's Butterstick doing here?" Clownmunches, but I didn't have time for them. One of you must have been there too, because I heard someone shouting "Go Bandit!" in the distance. Rep-re-SENT!.

I made it to the stables, and the horses didn't like me too much. They made an annoying ruckus until I told them to stuff it and tell me where to find Barbaro. I got my way real fast after that.

Barbaro was lounging in his stall with a cuban in his mouth and a brandy snifter on the ledge. He was like, "Who are you?" and I was like "Bandit" and he was like "Badass." I don't smoke, but he had some killer Pop Rock flavors so I had those instead. We kicked it for a few hours like that.

I asked him what the deal was today.

"Just another race. The humans are all wound up about it."

"You don't care? But I heard you're a badass horse."

"I am." He blew a smoke ring. "I'm just not in the mood today. It's been forever since I got laid."

I pretended like I knew what he was talking about. "So fake an injury or something."

He moved his cigar to the side of his mouth. "You might be onto something, Little B."

"You know I am. Well, I gotta split. Good luck, Big B."

They arrested me shortly after that and threw me back in the box with Mom, but she was too blitzed to lecture me. She was wearing a hat too wide for her head and had painted her claws red. 'Nuff said.

Anyway, to round it up, I heard today that Barbaro got his wish. Except he's so badass, he didn't fake an injury--he did it up real. Broke his leg in three places! I can only dream of growing up to be like him.

Now, he's livin it up in the Large Animal hospital, gettin' frisky with the mares.

Here's to you, Barbaro. Get well soon.

More March of Madness and Ms. Sharon Ambrose of Ward 6

2006-03-28T13:51:00.000-05:00

That is the last time I listen to an orangutan about basketball picks.

They tell you they know everything about b-ball because they have long arms and can dunk, but what they DON'T tell you (and what I'm kicking myself about for not remembering) is that they are the most asinine primates in the animal kingdom.

Duke? Gone.
Syracuse? Done before they started.
Tennessee? Gone.
UNC? Gone (but they were beat by our local boys, the George Mason Pandas, so I didn't mind missing on that pick)
UConn, GONE (again by the Pandas, but what do you expect from a team so named?)

My bracket is a mess. What's worse, I owe money to about 13 different species.

So, onto other news...I'm about a week behind, but an alert fan pointed out this note PandaFix.com posted on 3/22. The article came from the Washington Times (apparently the DC Council is discussing making me the official animal of DC, go me!):

PRO: "The panda ought to be one of the strong possibilities," says D.C. Council Chairman Linda W. Cropp, who is running for mayor. The official animal "really should be what captures the imagination of the children and makes them feel good -- and the panda does that."

CON: "The panda should not be it because we should have an animal that is native," says [Sharon Ambrose] the Ward 6 Democrat, who isn't seeking re-election. "We should have an animal that is an American."

Whaaaaa? Does Ms. Sharon Ambrose even read Banditthepanda.blogspot.com? I find it hard to believe that a duly elected official of the people would neglect the one-stop resource on the inner thoughts of the people's choice for President 2008.

Then again, not so hard to believe.

Beeotch, I'm as American as the Golden Corral All-You-Can-Eat Buffet, loud car horns, badass gunslingers, and that pie I always hear people talk about. I was born here, chica! Last I checked, that's enough for citizenship.

No wonder she isn't seeking re-election. Cause she knows she'd LOSE.

Yeah. Take that, sucka.

Bandit's March of Madness

2006-03-14T13:02:00.000-05:00

Three weeks have come and gone since I last set down in front of my editor and rambled about my life. I wish I could blame it on her, but--

Scratch that. I am going to blame it on her.

So how my peeps been? I've been setting records in scent-marking (earliest panda to do so on record EVER, gooooo ME!), spying on Dad, and confounding the clownmunch keepers at every turn. So pretty much nothing new or exciting going on down here. Until yesterday. Yesterday, I learned about The March Madness.

So this basketball thing is a pretty big deal, huh? And all guys love basketball right? So therefore Bandit must love it, too? Not so fast. Before I committed myself to fandom, I had to do some research first.

Paolo brought over the March Madness brackets yesterday, and I gnawed on a piece of bamboo while he went over his report. I learned everything I needed to know about all the teams involved, but after that, the chief question in my mind was this: Why are there no teams named after pandas? Do I need to spell it out for you people? We got the coolness, we got the size, we got the ferocity (Don't believe it? Ask Mom about the can of whoopass I opened on her when she tried to take my brackets away yesterday. Ha ha ha. That was funny). Best of all, we're MONEY.

A college naming its team the "(whatever) Pandas" would sell so much merchandising, they'd be an instant dynasty because they could afford to bribe their stars with under-the-table gifts (like a sweet new muscle car) and therefore keep them from going pro. They'd become the Yankees of college basketball!! Or wait...is that Duke?

Anyway, there are a lot of lameass team names out there, and I challenge those colleges to take a postitive step toward the future: make the change to Pandas. You won't regret it.

Do any of my fans have The March Madness? The zoo has a pool going and I need help filling out my brackets. I hear the geckos win every year, and I can't allow that to happen.

This time, it's personal.

Dad, Olympics, and Logos--I've been busy

2006-02-22T11:42:00.000-05:00

Dad smells cool. Like what badass is supposed to smell like when you get old and badass.

It became obvious to me that the servants were doing their best to keep me from meeting him, so I displayed a few of my climbing skills and made it happen. My next project is figuring out how to actually get in his pen. Paolo swears he can get me in, but a number of you have expressed reservations about my fennec fox friend's character...so I may have to keep an eye on him.

I was doing some reading up and I discovered that a lot of people from other countries gain citizenship in the US by kicking ass at some sport and then applying for citizenship so they can perform on the U.S. Olympic Team. I think I may have dreamed about this when I was younger, but now that my climbing skills have become so obviously world-class, I think Beijing 2008 isn't out of my reach. I'm a gymnast, baby! And a hot, hetero one, too. Take that Alexei Nimov.

Pandaholic, you have done your job well. While creating names for my brands may not exactly fall under a lobbyist's job description, I'm sure that when you go to meet a congressperson wearing your Tai Shan-John signature Tims and a retro Tai Shan-John jersey, that this poor unhappy elected official will be so impressed by your killer style that he or she will gladly agree to support us.

I was so inspired by the names in fact, that I tried my hand at some logos.

I'm going to be an enterprising multimedia mogul, an Olympic Gold Medalist in gymnastics, and one day soon, I'll be the BIGGEST PANDA ON EARTH.

AND, I'm going to get in Dad's pen.

Just watch me.

A Very Badass Valentine

2006-02-15T10:16:00.000-05:00

Ok, the snow was cool, but it's starting to get crusty. Clean it up already, people.

On other news, Hobbitbuddy sent me something yesterday that had me really confused. Why is she sending me heart-shaped bamboo cookies? I wondered. They were so good I nearly passed out on the spot, but after I regained control of consciousness I looked at her note again and puzzled on the wording. What's a Val-en-tine's Day? Is this a special day I have like my birthday?

Paolo wasn't around to comment, so I had to ask Mom. She told me it's a day humans celebrate where they pretend to love each other and get really obnoxious heart-shaped things for each other. I don't think Mom likes the holiday very much.

So I did some research online yesterday evening. I think it's actually kind of cool. It's hard for a badass panda like me to show some love because then people might think I'm losing my edge, but if it's a holiday, then who am I to fly in the face of tradition.

But all the Valentines I saw online really sucked. Too much lace and pink and girly clownmunch stuff. None of it suited me, so I made my own.

Yeah it's a day late now, but I know you'll get over it. Instead, you can appreciate the magnificence of my latent cardmaking talent. I should have my own brand.

With such skill, I'll need a badass name for my brand to go along with it.

I know, my fans are clever peeps--What should I call my brand?

Taking the White House

2006-02-03T14:33:00.000-05:00

So I took Hobbitbuddy's suggestion. It seems that if I want what I want in life, I gotta learn to climb. You all saw me take on that tree, but did you know I was practicing for the main event? Paolo stole Ally's camera and together we made our escape Monday afternoon...

The afternoon was crisp. I hunkered low against my wall, waiting for the signal. My servants paced the perimeter (pretending to work, the clownmunches.) Mom had already gone inside, and I knew my window of opportunity narrowed with every breath I took.

Vibrations went off beneath my paw--a warning. Soon, the pumping sounds of 50's "Wanksta" began to emit from the small silver device I held clutched in my paw. I flipped it. "Where you at?"

Paolo's voice came over the line. "The other side, dawg. Make it happen."

The line went dead. Looking above me, I saw the narrow branch reaching over the cement wall. It was now or never.

I shot up that tree like a bullet from a gat. The branch shook beneath my weight, but I was on a mission from a higher authority than gravity.

A mission from my fans.

I dropped to the ground and smacked Paolo with the back of my paw. "Where's our ride?"

Paolo blinked at me with his beady little eyes and pointed his ears in the direction of the most beat up chopper I've ever seen. Like I cared. "Will it run?" I asked him.

"If it don't, I keel the bastard who sold it to me."

Good enough for me. We climbed on and I kicked it to life. That took some doing, since most choppers aren't designed with nearly 7 month old pandas in mind. It roared as I gave it a little gas and we were off.

Between Paolo's despicable MapQuest directions, and the DC police, it's a miracle we even made it. I popped a wheelie between 17th and Penn before flipping off the chopper to the rousing cheers of my fans in the streets. Paolo brought the chopper to heel and kept the engine purring while I eluded the guards and shot straight toward the fence.

Stupid bars. Those suckers are slippery.

Next time, I'm bringing equipment.

My Dad and Me

2006-01-25T11:54:00.000-05:00

Dad knows I exist. This is huge. This is, like, staggering.

I left all these notes for him all along this trash can lid and made sure it was casually near enough to Dad's pen for him to notice it. He's a smart dude (I have to have gotten these brains from SOMEWHERE) and he found it and made enough of a ruckus that the servants finally gave in and gave it to him. Does anyone else have to put up with poor help like we do? Is it just me?

I'm not going to say what I wrote, 'cause it's kinda embarrassing, but the important thing is Dad got my notes! Hobbitbuddy suggested I run up and introduced myself, but it would be so lame if I ran all the way over there and he ignored me. But now that he got my notes, and seemed kinda enthusiastic, maybe he won't mind meeting his son.

Who wouldn't love to have an awesome son like me?

Right?

Anybody?

Referenced in Wikipedia...

2006-01-18T09:46:00.000-05:00

Oh funny. I'm in Wikipedia. And there are people who still care about the Butterstick vs. Bandit name debate.

Don't get me wrong. People calling me "Butterstick" still annoys me, I just have bigger and better things on my mind now. Like, how am I going to bypass the rule that states a president must be at least 30 years old to take office? Even in panda years, I'll never make it in time. I won't even be, like, 25 in human years until I'm 8 years old.

So I might have to get Pandaholic to lean on Congress a bit to pass an amendment to the Constitution.

But that's something to worry about later, for now I'm riding high on the mad support my fans gave me when I announced my bid for the presidency last week. I also told Mom that if i'm going to run for president she needs to clean up her act. She actually seemed pleased at the idea. Who knew?

On the other hand, I'm wondering if I'm becoming too straightlaced and upstanding. That is a question for the ages:

Can anyone be badass and President of the United States at the same time?

Vote Bandit

2006-01-10T13:45:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was pretty sweet. Thank you for the Happy Birthday well-wishing, Larissa, and Hobbitbuddy, the 3 layer carrot cake was delish. The carrot part was a nice twist--in spite of what Dad may think, bamboo can get old. Occasionally. Not very often.

At six months, I'm still the cutest, baddest panda around. I'm badder than most of the other animals at the zoo. Shooo...I'm so bad, they had to get more tubs to keep me distracted from taking over the WORLD!

My vision knows no bounds. And you're right, Pandaholic, I need to keep my eyes on the prize, and not indulge in any more late night Johnny Walker with Paolo & Co.

I think we can all say that the world would be a better place if this picture became a reality. I need to start practicing campaign speeches if I'm going to be ready for 2008.

Vote Bandit. I care about your problems. I'll listen. And then I'll go out and kick the ass of whoever is giving you those problems. And if there are no asses to be kicked, I'll take a nap until there's some more asskicking needed.

I should perhaps note that the asskicking is sometimes a metaphor, rather than straight up violence. For instance, if I say I'll kick social security's ass, that means I'll fix it. If I say I'm going to kick the ass of our stagnating education system, then that means I'll fix it. That clear enough?

And if a certain fennec fox thinks he can get away with hacking into my blog, there will be some asskicking before the election. This afternoon, actually.

Vote Bandit
Better asskicking, for a better tomorrow.

Revenge of da Paolo

2006-01-05T00:45:00.000-05:00

Ha-ha. It iz time for da Paolo's revenge!

He iz such a lighta-weight. My friend Antonio took diz picture. He had tree sips. Mebbe four. Ha-ha. I love de Bandit like he iz my broder, but I gotta pull hiz chain.

Dat editor, she has a ting for me, so I get her to post my picture. But Bandit iz right. She iz clownmunch, and currently getting her kicks out of spelling my speech phonetically.

I will not rain on his pretty blog no more, but he musta know--if you mess with Paolo, he messes back!

Ha-ha.

"Irascible" and Bandit's New Year's Eve

2006-01-04T09:06:00.000-05:00

Well, I'll be hit with a leaf eater biscuit. It does say "irascible."

Thisisjro has some sharp eyes. I actually never looked at the subtitle on my blog, but if either of these definitions are right, that's so not me. I'm going to make my editor change it to "rascally."

Still, just because she has a naughty habit of using words she thinks she knows the meaning for, and then doesn't bother to look them up, is no reason to get in a tiff. She's a clownmunch. You knew that. I've known that pretty much ever since I hired her. It's just something you deal with when you hire people covered by the Panda Employee Union.

You know what I saw this morning? Two geckos fighting over who got to stick a homing device in Mom's ear. Now, THAT's something to get my hackles up.

Not like she goes anywhere, although come to think of it, she did disappear a few nights ago and came back smelling like she'd emptied the entire contents of her liquor cabinet into my washtub and wallowed in it for a few hours.

'Course, it couldn't be the ENTIRE cabinet, because Paolo helped me swipe a bottle of Johnny Walker--he and I planned to take turns on it all night long.

I said "planned." That stuff is NASTY. EW. I spewed it all over Paolo the first sip I took. Like, I'm badass and all, but sometimes a guy's gotta draw the line on what he does to keep up appearances. I gave it a second chance but the next time was even nastier than the first, so I told Paolo he could have it. He practically howled in delight and gave me a slobbery kiss before scurrying off somewhere. It was gross (the kiss) but he was funny and when he came back, he brought three friends: Marcel, Antonio, and this chick fox, Chiquita.

Chiquita got a kick out of hugging me and trying to make her arms disappear in my fur, and Marcel kept asking if he could meet my mom (no), if I'd ever seen my Dad (yes, thanks to Wingy and the pictures she sent me!), and if he could sit on my head (no).

So I watched them get blitzed on my mom's Johnny Walker, and maybe I had a few more sips, but not much. Like I said. NAAAASTY!

Post-Christmas Musings

2005-12-29T11:08:00.000-05:00

Whew, it's brisk out there. I love it.

Christmas was pretty sweet. I got lots of presents, including a new game for my Xbox 360--though Paolo's been up for the past 48 hours playing it nonstop and doesn't want to deal with a split screen, so I've been having fun outside instead.

As for my dinner, Hobbitbuddy was all over that. I had roast crown of bamboo, roasted sweet potatoes with marshmallows, pear compote garnished with bamboo leaves, bamboo stuffing, leaf eater biscuits, bamboo salad with carrots, and bamboo crust pie filled with apples. Not that I remember all of it--my eyes glazed over about midway through the bamboo stuffing and from that point after I ate until I could hardly breathe.

Still, I'm told that was the menu.

I hope all the rest of my peeps had as good a Christmas weekend as I did.

Mom still doesn't like how much I climb on limbs and stuff, but she told me she'd stop pestering me if I posted a nice picture of her up on my blog. This is close enough. I know she'll forget about her promise in a few days but at least until then, I'm golden. Plus, she didn't say I couldn't put a caption on it.

Paolo has also forewarned me that Mom may go AWOL Saturday night, but when I asked him why, he just laughed and patted me on the head. Tool. Just wait until I find a way to use the dirt Hobbitbuddy dug up on him (see comments on my Dec. 23rd posting).

I haven't added to my photo gallery lately because of the annoying lack of new photographs of me in all the major media outlets. Ally sent me some dead sexy full size pics but now that more of you are getting tickets to see me, I'd love to see any you might have. Just send them to my email address at banditthepanda@hotmail.com. Ally's pics will go on my photo gallery page later today.

Everyone says I'm doing some kind of yin and yang thing in my washtub, but I'm really practicing for my go round at the Olympics. I hear they'll be in China in 2008, and so will I, though we try not to think about that. I'm thinking I could sweep the Panda Gymnastics division, of which washtub excavation is a key medal component.

Besides, I'm still enormous for my age. No one can stop me!

FREEEEDOOOM! Well, almost.

2005-12-23T09:33:00.000-05:00

WARNING: The following post contains undignified, childlike assessments of the sky and other flora and fauna.

Outside is BIG! You people never told me it was so wide open out there! Eeesh, the sky's like...I don't know...a hundred feet high? Whatever, I'm bad at distances, I'll just say it's big.

I checked the fences as soon as I got outside--I think I may be foiled in my escape plans for the time being...though really that's no big hardship because at least here, my public knows where to find me.

Grass is kind of cool feeling--spongy. Oh and the trees kicked ass. I wanted to climb all the way to the top but the stupid clownmunch zoo put metal thingys on them to keep me from going any higher. The Man's always trying to keep me down.

Mom caught me and came out honking. She was like "This is only the beginning young man--soon you'll be running with gangs and getting into knife fights--Trees are a gateway drug!" and tried to pull me off the limbs but shoooo...you know I won that argument.

Time to catch up with some correspondance. Wingy came to visit me on Monday and afterwards she wrote this:

Bandit!

We just went to see you at the zoo. You were, as could be expected, truly the most adorable thing I'd ever seen. The coolest part was when you backed your little butt up to a tree stump and started scratching away. If people insist on watching you all day, you might as well keep it real.

I also saw that they had a stocking with your name on it down the hall--so I bet Santa will be bringing you lots of presents!

That's for darn certain, Wingy, I keep it real here because if it weren't for me, Mom would have her own dressing room, and Paolo might actually get the "escorts" he's been demanding. Really I don't understand him sometime. What's the big deal about having people walk with you places. I thought only girls needed escorts--to like, dances and weddings or something.

Speaking of weddings and escorts, Hobbitbuddy sent me this note:

Bandit,

Forgot to tell you, you made People Magazine last week! You were in there with Brad and Angelina (you're more beautiful than either of them), Paris Hilton, Nick and Jessica and all the rest. You have DEFINITELY arrived! Congratulations!!!!!

Thank you, thank you. I don't know who Nick and Jessica are, but I'd better win most Badass Panda Alive at some point. Is there any contest?

Pandaholic wrote next:

Bandit,

I am coming to see you! I am bringing 5 of my closest friends. We will be there on January 12th!! Can't wait!

That's awesome, Pandaholic, I will mark it on my wall. Some of my other staff are planning on stopping by that day as well. My editor, publicist, and maybe my lawyer will be there taking notes on the crowds close to 1:00, so I guess Jan. 12th is Staff Appreciation Day here at the Panda House. Yeah, that should please the Panda Employee Union.

Next time I go out into the yard and try to look in Dad's pen, he'd better make himself present or I'm going to cry alimony and demand that he buy me a baseball mitt.

And a Hummer.

Vengeance is Mine

2005-12-20T21:57:00.000-05:00

Sounds like the zoo has finally caught on to the real me. Their blog yesterday called me a "wild child" which isn't the same as "badass" but hey, they're getting closer. They also said that between me and Dad, we could have the making of a "Bad Panda" movie. Ha ha. Ha. Ha. Ahem.

Anyway.

So this morning, as I was on my way out to the rock enclosure to go check out the mural (what is UP with that thing? Does it serve a purpose? It looks like it goes on forever but it's just a big picture on a wall. Gives me vertigo), Paolo sneaks in and starts calling me "Butterstick." Ha. See what a funny guy he is? Apparently, one of the other fennec foxes uncovered a really old picture of me, and Paolo thinks its the funniest thing he's ever seen.

C'mon, what's so funny about that? I'm like, proto-cute or something. But here's the conversation as it went down.

Paolo: "Morning, Butterstick."

Me: "Huh?"

Paolo: [holds up picture] "The boys and I kind of agree you looked like a stick of butter."

Me: "Hey that's not cool, Paolo."

Paolo: "Ha ha" [snort] "Butterstick. Ha ha"

Me: "Dude, you do NOT want to mess with me. I'll get you back so bad you won't be able to show your ears around here for a week."

Paolo: "I wonder...if you looked like a stick of butter then, what do we call you now...Butterstick El Grando Family Size?"

So Ladies and Gents, I give you...

Bandit's Revenge:

Earl at 3 weeks of age:

Looks a bit like E.T. doesn't he?

But see, I never just get even. I always take it one step past the bounds of common decency.

Picture taken from the wall of Earl's den:

Paolo, my friend...

You can't say I didn't warn ya.

Christmas Discovery

2005-12-16T12:44:00.000-05:00

I've been giving my chef a hard time--not responding to a question she sent me nearly two weeks ago:

Dear Bandit,

As a Buddhist bear, are you planning to celebrate Christmas, or are you going to ignore it? I need to know so I can plan my menu for you

I remember seeing this and wondering "am I really Buddhist?" because let's face it, Mom isn't the most coherant of teachers, and I'm not even sure her particular brand of religion is recognized by anyone else in the world. She calls the Sun "Big Daddy On High" and every time she breaks a glass bottle, she has to shout "Purple People Eaters" 10 times fast. I wouldn't think that a world religion as established as Buddhism would involve that kind of behavior, but since I know next to nothing about it, I could be wrong.

My reaction to being asked if I would do Christmas this year

So I tabled the question and forgot about it. Then last night, Hobbitbuddy wrote this:

Bandit,

You need to get back to me on whether you plan to have Christmas dinner or whether you're skipping Christmas because you're Buddhist. Your Mom probably wants you to follow her religion, but Christmas is fun! You get to eat tons of food and you get presents! So, let me know.

Love, Your chef.

And I was like "Whoa, hold the PHONE. Presents?! Dude, why didn't someone tell me about this sooner?" I asked one of my zookeepers if this was true, and she kind of screamed a little and left the den as fast as she could. They're still weirded out by me talking. Very inconvenient.

So then I asked Paolo if he knew anything about it, and after enduring a long rant about how Italian girls never "put out" (whatever that means) during Christmas, he finally told me that yes it's true, and that you eat so much food that you can't even walk--he said I could probably just lay on my stomach and push myself around by my paws, which really doesn't sound so bad. I consider food one of the greatest inventions in the history of the world.

Mom tells me I take after my father.

Bring on the food Hobbitbuddy!

And as for presents and the rest of you, you know where I live.

I never knew I needed a personal stylist...

2005-12-14T09:13:00.000-05:00

...until I read this. I asked Mom if she thought I should hire a stylist. She honked about my ego getting out of hand or whatnot, but I really think she's just jealous.

This person has put together a pretty tight application, so I've copied it here and want everyone to welcome VP of Dior to the staff.

Name: VP of Dior

Position Applying For: Personal Stylist

Qualifications: First, let me say your coat is amazing. Black and white is always in. Black is especially making a comeback this year, BTW. I have been a slave to fashion for 23 yrs and believe that one's personal style should represent taste and passion. I have styled myself, family members, clueless ex-boyfriends, doggie companions, and hapless sorority sisters in need. My biggest client was Dolly, the cloned sheep, who I inspired to embrace the wonders of Diane von Furstenberg wrap dresses.

DC is not known for its fashion savvy. Do not fret--I will make you even more bad-ass and avoid anything that resembles a Brooks Brother wool sweater. I see you rockin' a younger, polished version of Brad Pitt's style (let's face it you're just as hot as Pitt!). The Denim Bar in A-Town has fabulous distressed jeans that will look great on that little tushy (no doubt the time with the trainer is paying off!). Perhaps mix a D-squared bomber jacket with a new t-shirt from your own line, and throw in Dior shades. And to keep things down to earth pair it with a vintage brim hat from Eastern Market. You would be the most stylin mofo up in that zoo piece!

If you are not sure about this style, I will gladly listen to your wants and needs. I shall avoid any designers who use fur, including the heinous J-Lo. I hope you like my vision and it would be my great honor to style you.

I actually noticed she has a blog of her own, so I'm adding it to the links on my sidebar. I think I'd look pretty badass in a bomber jacket riding around town on my chopper, so that's cool. I think I might look a bit like a tool in jeans, but hey who really knows about these things until they try them. My fur is the most important priority for me. Mom makes it pink when she licks me, which is NOT cool.

Ok VP of Dior, do your thing--make her stop!

Meet Paolo the Fennec Fox

2005-12-13T11:53:00.000-05:00

So I realize it's been awhile since I told a new story. This one's about Dad.

You may wonder how I know anything about him since the Zoo won't let me see him, and according to Mom he must look something like a cross between Smokey the Bear and the Fonz. Very strange mental picture.

But the geckos aren't the only one at the Zoo with an elaborate network of spies and informants.

Allow me to tell you about the fennec fox. The zoo likes to say they only have a handful, but really, they run the most extensive system of wiretaps in DC. The government studies THEM to learn the tricks of the trade.

Being the highly foresighted panda that I am, I've befriended a fennec fox who goes by the name Paolo. His real name is Earl, but he thinks he's Italian, so I don't correct him and we get along fine. I let him play my Xbox 360 (yes I do have one now) and he brings me the word on the outside. The pic is of Paolo.

So apparently, Dad's been writing to another woman. It's kind of gross, because she's a polar bear in another part of the Zoo and he's a way cooler panda, but I try not to think about how that might work. I think he's just lonely because Mom spends so much of her time with me he doesn't think she likes him any more. Still, as much as Mom annoys me and pisses me off, I didn't want Dad to hurt her.

So Paolo and I intervened. The fox network intercepted a note meant for a gecko underboss to expose Dad's secret to Mom. Simultaneously, some of the foxes crept into the polar bear's lair (they're some of the most badass little animals I know) and stole all of Dad's letters, burying the evidence in a big cart of poo as it was on its way to the waste disposal facility.

Then, some of the foxes got some information from a wiretap that the geckos had squirreled away some letters just in case of such a situation, and that even as I was getting the report, the letters were on their way to Mom's liquor cabinet (the only place she would notice them).

Thinking quickly, I broke into her liquor cabinet and hid myself in the far back (yeah, the cabinet is that large) waiting for the unsuspecting gecko errand boy to deliver the letters.

Let's just say Mom never found those letters, and the geckos still haven't figured out what happened to their errand boy.

Paolo had a long talk with Dad, who admitted he thought Mom had lost interest in him, and Paolo smacked him on the nose for being such a clownmunch and told him to go buy her something pretty with lots of zeros on the pricetag.

Like I said, Paolo fancies himself a great ladies man, so he couldn't resist doling out the advice.

Keeping peace at the Panda House is a full time job.

Grand Opening of Bandit's Mindblowing Emporium of Badassness

2005-12-08T08:57:00.000-05:00

Yes that's right my peeps--my store is up and running! Click here to visit. http://www.cafepress.com/banditthepanda It looks like there are discounts if you buy today too. Like I explain on the store's page, a dollar of every item purchased will go toward panda conservation. I've got everything I need so I'm not keeping any for myself--we gotta look out for my fellow pandas, even if they aren't quite as cool as me.

Today is also the last day to enter the picture caption contest currently going on in my Amazing Photo Gallery. Remember the winner of the contest gets a free t-shirt from my store--a customizable prize because I'll have my editor put whatever you want on it (so long as it has something to do with me). So keep posting!! You have until midnight tonight.

I've been enjoying the entries enormously--sometimes I go sit and read them in the corner, chuckling quiety to myself and making Mom really suspicious. She keeps asking me if I'm on drugs. Tool.

And finally...I made Express today! This is like the coolest thing that has happened to me since I first scared the snot out of my keepers by barking at them. Here's a link for those of you not fortunate enough to live near me (and therefore unable to pick up a copy of Express).

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/express/pdfs/EXPRESS_12082005.pdf

Ok now that the business is out of the way...I get to see my fans today. I'm so excited it's embarassing. I'd better see some little kids down front instead of blocked in by adults. We can be badass and still be cool about it. I hope some of you come back with stories to share. Since the clownmunch zookeepers won't let me come out and mingle with the people, this is kinda the only way I can keep it real.

Oh and get this. The zoo didn't give any reporters free passes to come see me today. They had to acquire tickets like the rest of you. I think that may be the coolest thing the zoo has ever done. The press had their own day to see me, now it's time to let the people have theirs!

Power to the panda fans!

Hell Hath No Fury Like Bandit Wronged

2005-12-07T09:13:00.000-05:00

So...furious...can...hardly...speak...

Today's Express features a blog from some clownmunch POSING as me AND using that hated name. I hate to legitimize a blog that's so completely offensive but I need my fans to go look at it if for no other reason but to join me in my rage.

It's bstick.blogspot.com.

One of the 8,000 things that has me so mad: Express calls it my "personal blog"--uh hello. This person makes me sound like a pansy idiot and about as intelligent as the next doorknob. Like Tarzan, only way less badass. "Me Stick--huh huh--You...WAY TOO COOL TO WASTE ANY MORE TIME READING THAT MORON'S VERSION OF MY LIFE!"

I wanna go tear into some geckos or something. I gotta take my rage somewhere.

Ok, I'm back. Don't ask what I just did to the pile of straw over by my favorite climbing rock.

My editor has suggested I make a list of all the things wrong with that blog, and that maybe that will help me work through my OUT OF CONTROL FURY (yes Anonymous, the media's trying to keep me down because of that very reason):

TOP TEN REASONS WHY BSTICK.BLOGSPOT.COM SUCKS ASS:
10) The presence of that name
9) Frequent references to that name
8) Started a mere two days ago. In reality, I've been blogging for over four months
7) The idiot manner of speaking of oneself in the third-person
6) Mom is referred to as Momma (what a baby! geez) and is an obvious rip-off of Bobby Boucher's Momma in The Waterboy
5) That clownmunch subtitle "Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful"
4) Positive and SEXUAL references to Wonkette **shudder**
3) Obvious lack of photo editing talent
2) Makes me sound pitiful and sad. Tell me homies, when I'm chasing the zookeeper around, and tumbling off rocks and barking and hamming it up for reporters, do I sound lonely?

And the #1 reason why that blog sucks...

COMPLETE LACK OF FANS! My fans rule!! I meant to give you all a big shout out for coming to my defense last week when some rag posted something saying that my name is Butterstick and that I'm perpetuating fraud or some munchish nonsense like that. That was way cool of you. And don't worry. That anonymous poster will suffer mightily for daring to insult me.

Now let's go out there and make sure my REAL voice gets heard.

HOO-AH!

That Name Returns

2005-12-01T09:53:00.000-05:00

Something you may or may not have noticed about me:

I am one contrary panda.

In the days leading up to my field day with the press, everyone was talking about how "panda toddlers are very unpredictable" and it would be difficult to make sure I was even visible to the press. So you can bet your last 1980's era Push Pop that I went out there and put on a real show for them.

If the zoo had been all like "Tai Shan will perform for you," I'd have been like "shoooo...I'm outta here" and they wouldn't have seen a bit of me.

Sweethearts, that's just the way I am.

I was on the cover of every major newspaper in the local area yesterday. Go me!!

But all the extra publicity has brought along some unwanted side effects. I know I rant about this every few days but can we please let the Butterstick name die? It's embarassing. All the other panda cubs are laughing at me. I'd go kick all their asses if they weren't thousands of miles away and I wasn't doing time here at the Zoo, but that's the way it falls.

Here, lets play a little game. This was the headline and the cover photo from yesterday's Express.

I ask these people who persist in using That Name to look at this picture and tell me:

Do I resemble a stick of soft yellowish or whitish emulsion of butterfat, water, air, and sometimes salt, churned from milk or cream and processed for use in cooking and as a food?

Didn't THINK SO.

My editor and her dictionary come in handy from time to time.

Back from Thanksgiving

2005-11-29T12:18:00.000-05:00

Whoever took this picture for Reuters owes me money. Look at it. I'm irresponsibily hot in it, and I'm sure they're making a killing off advertising next to me. Where's my lawyer these days?

On to other news, my entire staff took Thanksgiving off, so we've got craploads of stuff to cover.

Fortunately, Hobbitbuddy remembered me on the feasting day:

Happy Thanksgiving to Bandit from your chef!I hope you enjoyed the bamburkey, sweet potatoes, carrots, and apple/bamboo crisp I sent for your very first Thanksgiving. I trust your Mom enjoyed the case of beer. Love, Hobbitbuddy

Yeah it was the coolest dinner I ever had. Mom kept trying to steal my bamburky but I threw a sweet potato in her beer and so that kept her occupied for the next three hours trying to get it out. Oh yeah she loved the beer (but then, was there any doubt?).

She also had this to say:

Bandit,The last few nights I've watched you on Pandacam, it looks like you're trying to tunnel under the jail (oops...I mean den) door. Are you planning an escape? If you are, I recommend you watch The Great Escape, The Dirty Dozen, and the entire first season DVD of Hogan's Heroes. They'll give you plenty of tips on how to break out of the zoo.By the way, if you ran, I'd vote for you for prez. The current one is a real clownmunch.

I might have to see those. I hear Steve McQueen was like the old version of Sammy L. I'm sure he'd know how to deal with my clownmunch zookeepers. Thanks for the endorsment for me running for prezident (that's how we'd spell that word in the United States of Bandit). Not sure yet if I can do that since I'm still getting deported in 2 years but I'll let you know if I find a way around that.

The newest staff member worked hard over the weekend:

Bandit-I am honored to be a part of your team! I will start crafting some legislation asap! I will make sure it is badass and representative of your amazing-ness. All of the lawmakers (and their staff) are indeed obsessed with you. We could get some great laws passed if you could get a hold of some discretionary tickets. A little meet and greet with the Congressmen and Senators and we will be living in the United States of Bandit...Sincerely,Your devoted Pandaholic (registered Bandit Lobbyist)

That rocks, Pandaholic, but I should remind you that I live in a compound very similar to a maximum security prizon. Me getting those discretionary tickets would basically mean I'd have to break out. I don't think I can be prezident if I commit a felony, so then where would our campaign be? Any other ideas to get those Congresshumans and the Sena-naters on board are much appreciated.

Here's a welcome to a new member of the comments crew, Pandafan2:

Bandit - You go guy! Putting on the show for the reporters! Showing the keepers who is boss! From AP wire: He chased his zoo keeper around, trying to nibble at the hems of her jeans. He pulled himself over the ledge of the habitat's rocky centerpiece. He tumbled onto his back, and he gummed at the bamboo stalks that will someday form his diet.

That clownmunch chick zookeeper was trying to put perfumy stuff on me. From a place called Body Bath it Works or something like that. Ew. I got her good though.

Oh dude! Almost forgot--I put up a new link in my "Tap It" section. I was told by an anonymous informant that my blog had been linked to another new blog, so I went to check it out. It's kind of weird and not a topic that interests me, (human girl trying to lose something...whatever, I didn't quite understand what she was talking about) but I thought it was cool that she gave me some love in her links section. I got the impression that something about her is kind of unusual or rare...so that's kind of cool. We're both rare species :-)

And I know it must be something good that I'm just not getting because Mom came up while I was reading it and started honking and throwing her beer bottle at the screen. She said something about "horz of Babylon" and it not being "appropriate for my age" and told me I couldn't read it ever again. Whatever. Even if I do comply with her bizarro wishes, she still didn't say anything about me not being allowed to LINK to the site.

So tap it. Now.

Welcome my Lobbyist

2005-11-23T15:29:00.000-05:00

Sweet, I got representation!

Dear Bandit,

I work on Capitol Hill and we are all obsessed with you! We have pictures of you all over our office and watch the live feed every day. I would like to apply to be your lobbyist here on the Hill - especially if you decide to apply for your citizenship and stay here. We can make a new law for you! We will have a Bandit-ocracy (although we secretly refer to you as Butterstick...) What do you think?

Pandaholic on the Hill

I'm intrigued by the first sentence "I work on Capitol Hill and we are all obsessed with you!" So, as my editor advises me, grammatically that means that everyone who works on Capitol Hill is obsessed with me. HOOOSH POWER RUSH!! That's like, every powerful decision maker in the entire country. I really must need a lobbyist if I have Congress ready to eat out of my paw but no one to tell them what I want. Pandaholic you're way hired.

As for the mention of That Other Name, I suppose so long as it is NEVER MENTIONED IN MY PRESENCE then there's nothing I can do to keep you from using it.

I believe a banditocracy might be just the thing this country needs.

Vote Bandit.

CoverPanda

2005-11-22T11:22:00.000-05:00

There's a ginormous pic of me on the front page of the Washington Post today. Stupid paparazzi.

Nah, you know I like it. Though I do take offense at the "becomes" part of their headline ("Tai Shan Becomes the Hottest Ticket in Town"). I've uh, ALWAYS been the hottest ticket in town, at least since I was born. Cramz pointed out another potentially devastating error in the caption:

Yo Bandit-What's with the Washington Post? Yeah, they put you on the front page, appropriately, but they clearly mislabeled the photo. It says you are nuzzling your mother. It seems quite obvious to me that you were getting up in her grill and preparing a back-off bark. Don't they see the crazy look in your eyes? Want me to set the Post straight?

YEAH! Stick it to the MAN, Cramz! I'm about to go crazy all over that be-otch in the picture, but they say I'm "nuzzling" her. It all comes down to common sense. You have a cub named Bandit, who's the largest cub of his kind in existence--does he sound like the kind of cub who "nuzzles?"

You know I love the ladies, but I swear, it was definitely a girl who wrote that. You can always tell in these cases.

Speaking of lovely ladies, I have some comments here from my fans that my editor just realized she never brought to my attention. Here's one from Wingy:

Bandit, I am the girl in the photo. While I will concede that I am a girl, and I know you are not, I wasn't drinking frou frou wine. It was actually vodka, but it as a special Halloween goblet with skulls and spiders on it. So, while I will never be as badass as you, I don't want you to think I would dare denigrate your image with such blatant girly girl behavior.

See I can totally get behind a girl who drinks from a goblet with skulls and spiders on it. I appreciate your careful protection of my image, Wingy. I like spiders. Spiders kick ass. I like you too.

My way hot personal trainer Lauren wrote this:

"Bad bear, bad bear, what ya gonna do. What ya gonna do when they come for you..." What the hell does the zoo think you did, Bandit? It looks like they have you in jail (behind bars in den 2). Keep up the training sessions and break out soon! Love, your personal trainer.

I'm doing all I can. They can't contain me for long. I'm way too awesome for this zoo to handle so they try to contain me with those stupid bars. That glass you see in the visitor area is double reinforced bulletproof (Sammy L tested it for me when he was down last time) to keep my enemies from capitalizing on what would be a sitting-duck situation. I can't fight back against glocks when I'm temporarily trapped in my quarters and trying to put on a good show for all of my fans. These are the kind of things you never think about unless you're a world famous panda.

I don't know if new fan JP is a girl or a boy but I always love a good dig at the Zoo AND my editor:

Hey Bandit - what's up with the zoo's website? Your clownmunch editor isn't in charge of it is she? Cause that would explain it I guess... Anyway, can you get your publicist on it? How are you supposed to have a career without the PandaCam?

My always-reliable publicist has been bombarding the zoo with a ton of communiques regarding the unacceptability of problems with the PandaCam. She's got them squirming like worms on a hook, so even though the whole site was down yesterday, I'm TOLD (I'm talking to you, zoo servants) that it is better today. It had BETTER not happen again.

Two more things, yes I go on public view Dec. 8th. No I can't get you tickets. It's one of the great injustices of the 21st century that they didn't give me discretionary tickets to use as I please.

Typical clownmunches.

So say that again...I can't meet Dad??

2005-11-14T12:20:00.000-05:00

Well that was an interesting weekend. Judging by all the crazed fans crowding my view of the people area, and all the flashes going off, I've been suitably immortalized in many scrapbooks around the area.

Btw, Mom's little "Let's drag Bandit by the head, occasionally dropping him on the concrete floor" trick is so old it's got mold on it. I've been really lenient on her lately, due to the requests I've gotten on here to treat her nicer, and she just gets more and more out of hand. It's fun to bait her though, so while she's dragging me, I get my kicks asking her how the lemur house was last night.

So did anyone see that back-asswards comment on the Zoo blog about how since panda fathers don't ever have anything to do with their kids in the wild, they have "no plans right now to introduce our cub to his father."

WTH?? Do we look like wild pandas? I mean, I know I'm badass, and I could rip a hole in an elephant large enough to fly a B-52 through if I wanted to (which I wouldn't because elephants are pretty awesome and that would wind up being more gross than cool) but my mom wouldn't know how to find a bamboo grove in the wild if it decked itself out with blinky Christmas lights and put up glowing dioramas showing her exactly how to harvest her own bamboo. Dad is probably better, but still, can I take it down to bottom-line-cynical terms?

We are proverbial cash cows. Me most of all. Do you think the Zoo (or China for that matter) has any intention of reintroducing us to the wild? We raise money for all those poor grubby wild pandas in the jungles of Outer Mongolia who don't have servants at their beck and call, and a personal staff to make sure our every needs are covered. We give them a better life.

And we sure as heck are staying put. So what's the harm in letting me meet Dad? What do they think he'll do, think I'm competition or something? Please. I'm going to be way bigger than Dad, and I promise I won't hurt him. Besides, I've put up with Mom long enough. All this estrogen is going to kill me if I don't get to hang with the old man at least ONCE before I'm deported.

Dude, this is depressing.

Hobbitbuddy, that bamboo icecream is sounding pretty good right now. And maybe a sno-cone?

Oh fyi: the BanditWear shop is almost ready for business. It needs a few tweaks so it's not ready yet, but I just wanted my peeps to know I haven't forgotten them, and I'm working with my staff night and day (between powernaps) to bring ways for you to show your BanditFan pride wherever you live.

Hoo-ah!

Halloween Pics

2005-11-07T19:01:00.000-05:00

Since you waited for it so patiently...

That's right, folks, people dressed as me for Halloween. Now, they also dressed as my mother, but we can forgive them for that.

There is one thing dead-on in that picture, and two things very much off. Can you spot them?

Dead-on: Mom holding a can of beer.

1st Thing That's Off: Bandit holding frou-frou glass of wine. Forget that Mom won't let me within 25 feet of her stash without launching into an all-out bath--I would NEVER drink wine without doing it to placate a chick.

2nd Thing That's Off: That Bandit is a girl. I don't think I need to explain myself further.

Those details aside, IMHO the costumes rule and the idea is even better.

H and Hobbitbuddy have both noted my regular beat-downs of my mother. The edge I have over her grows stronger with each passing day...

For the record-- H, I was running after my mother because she had threatened to destroy my vintage collection of Zepplin LPs if I didn't come in for my bath right then. That woman is relentless. I see where you're going with the whole "world class mother" business, but really--I'm barely four months old--does anyone appreciate their mother at that age?

I'm sure you're all wondering what I went as for Halloween, and since no one at the Zoo deigned to release a picture of me in costume to the public, I'll have to use this private-party pic (Ally, you ROCK).

All hail Bandit the Magnificent, Sultan of America. H you are so right. This chick digs me. Look at her gazing at my Turban of Awe-Inspiring Magnificence.

Being me on a daily basis rules more than anything has ever ruled in the history of the world.

Badass.

New Hires

2005-11-04T16:11:00.000-05:00

See, this is why I keep a lawyer on the staff:

I think the chick in the picture is the zoo's version of the obligatory hot girl that frequently stands beside badass stuff. Like, you see girls in bikinis standing next to hot rides and sweet bikes all the time in pictures. And badass rappers can't even be in a photo without some honey showing tons of cleavage nearby. I mean, even James Bond had his Bond girls. So I think she was probably just thrown into the picture as yet another mark of your awesomeness, as if we didn't know. And of course, she's not in a bikini because I don't think scientists are really bikini people. I bet most of them have one-pieces.

This is totally what happened. I think next time they need to make sure it's more immediately obvious. Like, put me on a pedestal with flame decals ringing the base. And maybe use some oil on the chick to make her super shiny.

Lauren has applied to be my personal trainer--we are of the same mind that I am in great shape, but even the most badass cuteness needs a little tune-up now and then.

Hobbitbuddy was astute enough to point out my confusion with that one pic I had posted to my gallery before I took it down today. See ok, I was blind when I was two weeks old, so I have no idea what I looked like. Hobbitbuddy helpfully pointed out that it was a picture of that girl at the San Diego Zoo, and that these clownmunches at the NATIONAL Zoo were afraid to pick me up at first so that's why I don't have any pictures of me at that age. Hey Washingtonian Zoopeople--get some backbone a'ight?

Anyway, I just assumed that all pictures I ran across were of me (who wouldn't?). I've taken the pic down and put up another (cuter one) of me.

Today, I made page 3 of USA Today, and I totally have fans across the country now. Welcome Kristen to my staff:

Position Applying for: West Coast Representative

Bandit...you totally rule the panda world. I think you're right, that belly with just the right mixture of muscle and chunk raises your cuteness factor off the charts. After thinking long and hard about this, I think you need some West Coast representation. I live in LA and you have a lot of fans out here. Fans that are willing to make the trek to DC when your mom finally decides to let you out of the den on a more "regular" basis (after all, we would love to see your mom and dad, but it's YOU that we really want to see). Whatever it is that you need out here, I can do it...I'm your girl!

You are one smart human, Kristen. I totally need West Coast (Wesst Coasssst!) representation, especially if my merchandising gets off the ground. I gotta reach out to both sides of the nation.

Finally, gotta give a major shout out to Ally. She has been with me from the very beginning and she's finally applied for a job as my Official Royal Photographer. So as we welcome Ally, Kristen, and Lauren to the staff, I'll leave you with one of Ally's pics--one that Kristen may use in promoting me to Cali, and one that accurately demonstrates the fabulous bod Lauren and I will be working on in the future.

So, I say to you....

'Sup?

Announcing Bandit's Amazing Photo Gallery

2005-11-03T17:05:00.000-05:00

Check it out peeps--there's a new link on my sidebar. H (who, if you read her comment, is a girl--oh yeah, I'm a hunk), you got your wish:

So Bandit, got any 8 x 10 glossy's for the panda addicted? I think you should have a page devoted to photos of you that your fans can drool over. sigh.....

Behold, Bandit's Amazing Photo Gallery. I started with my baby pictures, 'cause you need to see where I've come from to appreciate where I'm going. Keep an eye out for more pictures in the next few days.

I can't really do a podcast. Yet. Maybe I'll get that advanced but for the time being, you'll have to be content with me as I am. I should let you all know though (paying attention?) there may be merchandising in the works. My lawyer is still hammering out the licensing details, but I'll keep you posted when I have more definite info.

I think I got another new poster to join the family. This one signed her name #1 Sweetheart, so that's what I'll call her:

Damn Bandit -
What are you training for the Olympics? Saw you on CNN.Com totally running the show with the cameras and running around like a full-fledge Champ! Your crew at the National Zoo better watch out and your Mom she just doesn't get it, I can't believe they said she has started dropping you at the smell of fresh bamboo, obviously you don't mind because it gets you out of bath time but damn that's just plain rude. Hang in there Big Bad Dude your public will be there soon enough!!
Luv,#1 Sweetheart

Yeah, she's of a one track mind, but ha--LIKE I MIND. As far as training, new fan Lauren had a question along those same lines:

Dude - In the latest film they refer to your "big fat belly," saying that you're having some trouble getting around on your hind legs because of the above mentioned "belly." Does that offend you? I like the belly look but if it's not working for you, I'd be happy to offer some personal training. Lauren

Sweetheart and Lauren, I have to tell you, that belly is pure muscle. I've been working out for months, and it's fit and toned. With just the right amount of softness to keep me cute. But Lauren, that sounds an awful lot like a job application--do you want to be my personal trainer? Every rock star (which I definitely qualify as because Hobbitbuddy confirmed it--see her comment) needs a trainer.

So like I think I might have said before, I don't really get offended.

I just get even.

A Chef, Two Films, and Reason #427 Why the Zoo Sucks.

2005-11-02T16:10:00.000-05:00

So I've decided that my enormous posting yesterday was kind of uncool. Like, just a little bit like those stupid hippos who like to show off in school just to prove how they're way smarter than you, when really, they're just a bunch of tools.

Anyway, all I'm sayin' is I'll try to keep it brief in the future. Unless I hear otherwise.

That being said, I got yet another application today--none other than Hobbitbuddy has applied to be my chef. This made me real hungry when I read it:

Name: Hobbitbuddy
Position applying for: chef

Since your teeth have sprouted so nicely, and you will soon begin munching on bamboo, I would like to apply for a job as your personal chef. Bamboo, as a solitary entree, can get tiresome, so I would find new and imaginitive ways to prepare and serve bamboo for your culinary pleasure. For example, how does roasted bamboo served with baked sweet potatoes, carrot strips and broiled gekko tails sound? For dessert would be a bamboo/apple compote with dainty lemur fingers on the side. If that doesn't strike your fancy, I could prepare barbequed bamboo, coconut bamboo, lemon bamboo, fried bamboo, bamboo stew, bamboo creole...

*slobbery response* the woman is HIRED! Editor, if you don't want me to knock your nose off of your face, you'll post Hobbitbuddy up as my chef. DO it.

Also, two more films have been made about me. When my editor quits groveling for mercy and finishes posting Hobbitbuddy as my new chef, she'll put the links up on the sidebar as well. Thanks to H for showing me the one by ABCNews:

http://abcnews.go.com/ Bandit makes the news. There's a link (and pic) of our wee Bandit on that website. Pretty cavalier with that camera in your face Bandit.

You know it. Like I said, it's only a matter of time before I'm OUT OF CONTROL!!!

I got two more comments but I'm going do throw those up here in a separate (seperate, separete...whatever, if I spell it wrong, it'll only punish my editor--which you all know is like my third favorite activity. Drives her NUTS when I do weird things with punctuation, etc) posting.

For now, I just need to sound off about this. First of all, I'm now enormous. I'm like, the largest cub ever. It's hard to call me a cub anymore when really I'm a huge badass BEAR. Check it out:

The thing that really eats me though is the chick: Ok so she's kind of cute in a toothy-human way, but does anyone else think she's ruining my pic? Is there a REASON she's in it too? Cause if it's purely for scale, they could just stick a ruler there next to me and it would serve the same purpose.

I just don't get it. I'm the zoo's bread and butter. Their top dollar attraction. Their reason for existance--and no I really don't think I'm being an unrealistic egomaniac about this--and they stick some anonymous chick in a picture next to me.

Dude people, learn how to crop.

That editor's got some 'splaining to do!

2005-11-01T10:10:00.000-05:00

We have some major catching up to do. I've had comment after comment rolling in, and that clownmunch I call an editor has done nothing to pass them my way.

Thankfully the Bandit faithful have done their part to keep this blog interesting. Here's the complete rundown--WITH answers.

First off we have a new "poster" to the Bandit blog. Everyone, welcome Blue:

Dearest Bandit,
I find you totally awesome. However, I have a question. Beneath that tough rebel-like (soft and fuzzy) exterior, theres a sweet panda in you somewhere, right? Admit it!

*mumbling*...maybe... But that doesn't mean I'm any less badass! I'm a well-rounded panda, which explains why I have so many different fans.

Then Hobbitbuddy wrote:

Hey Bandit,I am definitely a "she". And I wuv the stuffing out of you!

I must say, I'm glad to have that mystery cleared up. Also, I think if she'd just typed "I wuv the stuffing out of you" I would have figured it out for myself. Has anyone ever heard of a guy typing "wuv?"

So, ok. H wrote something next, but I'm not sure what he/she means:

If Bond can have Q, then Bandit can have H. And you should be kinder to your poor dear sainted Mother! Sure, didn't she bring you in to this world could she not take you out? Wouldn't want to see that since you're such delicious little eye candy.Thanks for the laughs, I had to grip the wall on this one I was laughing so hard. Yours, H

Let's dissect this a bit. The Bond and Q bit--H, are you applying to be my gadget woman? (I'm thinking H is a she as well, so maybe we'll find out on that one too.) If so I'd be happy to make you a part of the staff. Next, about my mom. Sainted? Are we sure on that one, because if you've heard the things she's honked about first hand, you might not think that way. Yeah she brought me into the world--which is by far the coolest thing she's ever done in her entire life. Honestly, did any of you know the name of the female panda at the Zoo until I came on the scene?

Didn't think so. Oh and I'm always glad to make any fan laugh.

Moving on, the HAnD followed up with this:

BANDIT- what up?!? I have posted before and really love your insight and humor. The job I would love to have on your staff is to be your #1 fan. I am a dude (as I know you are looking for some male bonding), and really, just wanna kick it with ya. As you and I can both agree, work is for the birds (and the jack asses over on the other side of the Zoo). Just let me know what I can do, cause I am stoked for this position.

Hmm. #1 Fan? Not sure I can make that a staff position because really how can you tell something like that? But the interest is cool so let me think...what about Fan Reporter? You can let me know anytime you see a Bandit fan making mention of me somewhere else online. Like a Fan Reporter of sorts. That would be cool.

Oh and dude, I'm not looking for male bonding exactly. Just a little equal representation on the staff. Welcome on board.

Then Hobbitbuddy dropped this doozy on me:

Me again Bandit,
You were lamenting the lack of "hot panda babes" in an earlier post. Well, check out the San Diego Zoo website to see a panda babe who'll knock your little black eyes out! And, best of all, she's just your age! Check out those "Playpanda" poses and that sexy "come hither" look. She's the panda equivalent of Pam Anderson, and she's only 11 weeks old!

Ok so I was kinda like "ew" when I read this. Like, I want to look at hot panda babes, but ones my own age have cooties. But you made me curious so I went to their website. What the heck were they doing posting pics on the internet of a little girl posing on red satin?!? I'm enraged for her. Like, I want to go kick some asses over in San Diego or something.

She's, uh, kinda cute, in a cootiesish way. And I thought the National Zoo was infested with clownmunches.

Poor kid.

H had something to say on the subject as well:

Hobbitbuddy, I've seen at that San Diego panda and ...quite frankly, I'm not too impressed. I mean once you've gazed upon Bandit can any other panda come close on the cuteness scale? Besides, can you see Mei letting him date?Did you see this morning how quickly Bandit bolted for the den? I can't believe how good he's getting at walking. And I absolutely love it when he lays on his back with those paws dangling in the air, twitching away. I often wonder what he's dreaming about. I can't BELIEVE how much Panda's sleep! I'm almost jealous lol

H.

H, my friend, you really do not want to know what I'm dreaming about. It's pretty messed up. And you're right, it's really not fair to put that poor little girl up against me for cuteness. Because she's got the sweet and innocent cute going on but I'm super badass cute. There's no contest.

So Hobbitbuddy replied right back to H:

Dear H,
They took the really "hot" pictures with "Baby Girl Panda" off the slideshow. She is sweet, but you're right, Bandit is the most excruciatingly painfully cute panda ever born. BANDIT RULES!

Hahahaha right on! H thought that was a good way to put it as well:

>>>excruciatingly painfully cute panda ever born>> LOL! Great description. I know, he sure is panda perfect, the cutest panda ever. Maybe I'm prejudiced, an east coast type of thing. But I don't think sooooo. For all the things that Washington offers, I can't BELIEVE its a Panda that makes me want to go there. Well, I guess its not just ANY panda. H

Wait, so H you don't live near Washington? Dude, you totally have to come here and see me when I come out. I'm kind of the coolest thing in this city. EAST COASSSST!

Hobbitbuddy elaborated then:

We all know where the REAL power in Washington lies, and it's NOT at the White House! I'll bet the day our Bandit goes out to meet his public for the first time there will literally be hundreds of people trying to push their way in to the viewing area to worship at the altar of his overwhelming adorableness. God help Dubya if he schedules a news conference that day; no one from the press will show up! They'll all be at Asia Trail broadcasting our boy.

There's probably more truth to that than the Bush administration would want to admit. No one in this town really cares who did something corrupt now (really, can anyone keep track?). Everyone just wants to know when I'm coming out to meet my public. And I'm cooler than anything related to the federal government just by default of my badassness.

And THEEEEEN??! Cramz applied for a job!

I'm a bit hesitant to apply for this position because I suspect you can handle yourself pretty well, but I'd like to apply to be your head of security.I'm a pretty big tough guy and previously worked security at Madam's Organ. While there I had to exhibit badassness on several occasions using only a maglite flashlight and angry stares to keep the unruly drunks in line. My hobbies include playing way too many sports, drinking a bit too much beer, and stomping lots of gekkos.I would be ideally suited to make sure that you are protected from the various clown munches who want to mess with you and your posse. And I'll keep your mom of your back and out of your business. You need room to operate and get your groove on. I can help.

Even the toughest most badass guy in the biz needs someone to head up his security department, cause really--do I want to busy myself in the day to day drugery of knocking heads together? I mean, it can be really time consuming. Don't worry, I'll still mutilate geckos whenever the mood seizes me but it'll be nice to have someone to watch my back. Go Cramz.

Oh and this is probably the coolest thing I've heard all day. From an "Anonymous":

BANDIT- we have some great Halloween pictures of the costumes we made. (We went as momma panda and Bandit!!!) We would like to share them with you, but do not have your e-mail. If you could let us know where to send the picture, I would appreciate it. THANKS!!

This is so cool I don't know what to do with myself. I'm, like, headbanging or something. I have to see pictures. My email address is banditthepanda@hotmail.com. I'll post them on my blog. Oh and Ally, thanks again for those pics, I promise I will use them.

Next comment I got was from H (again):

>>>worship at the altar of his overwhelming adorableness>> ROFL! Love that line. Did you get a view of the new pictures on Animal Planet? AND the new video. I cannot believe how big he is now. What a hunk!

I'm a bit confused. Who said "worship at the altar of his overwhelming adorableness." I couldn't find it anywhere and I want to give credit where it's due because, hey, I'm flattered. This is kind of why I hope H is a female--that "what a hunk!" line. I mean it's no big deal if H is a dude because he's a human dude, and it's really not a big deal, but that's the first time I've ever been called a hunk (growing up ROCKS!) and I'm wanting it to be from someone of the female persuasion.

Oh and just to note: Animal Planet apparently has a special planned to air in December about the "panda family at the National Zoo" which you know will be all about me. Just a heads up.

And lastly, Hobbitbuddy one more time:

Bandit,Ol' Sammy L' must be proud of you for unleashing a major can of whup ass on your clownmunch doctors!That's the LAST time they'll try shoving things where they don't belong! You rock and rule! Luv ya!

YEAH! That needle sucked ASS. Stupid rags.

Question and Random Stuff

2005-10-25T14:16:00.000-04:00

Looks like I have a bit of a backlog on my hands. My fan "H" (dude, we're all friends here, you can give me more of a moniker than a letter if you feel like it) has been waiting for a number of days for a response to his (or her) question, so I'll address that first:

Hey Bandit, I'm a faithful panda watcher. I'm curious to know why you keep walking into walls. Also wondering, do you have a favorite minion among the staff?

It does look like I'm walking into walls, doesn't it. I'm sure you'll all be relieved to know that's not really the case. I'm banging my head against the walls in frustration. We all know her name, it rhymes with IDIOT MOTHER. Ok so maybe it doesn't.

I'll draw your attention to the most recent film of me released by the Zoo (see the link under "Bandit in Film" Oct. 21st). See me at the end? See how happy I am to be viewing some fans, even if they are only the press? Now see how Mom comes lumbering up and steals my show, then tries to pick me up with her mouth. See how it doesn't work because I'm HUGE. So yeah, I'm hitting my head on walls to drive the higher thought processes from my brain--I mean really. Around her, what do I need my highly developed intelligence for?

Side note--I have a really badass bark don't I? Oh and that shot didn't hurt. I just wanted to make sure my clownmunch doctors knew it wasn't cool either.

As for the second part of your question, H, we all know who my least favorite staff member is. But of the others, right now, I have to give a shout out to my publicist. She's been hooking me up with some big contacts right now, and maybe has even been responsible for leading you to me.

You know what though, I could use some more staff members. It's kind of a chick fest around here, not that I'm complaining but it would rule to get some guys on board. Anyone who's interested, just click on the green link below my staff listings and tell me what you want to do and why you're qualified. I'm the best boss in the world. Hey ask my editor. I've resisted caning her five times now, isn't that big of me?

I'll leave you all with this bit of advice from Hobbitbuddy. He/She meant it for me, but I think it's the kind of advice we could all benefit from.

Bandit,
If you ever have lunch at the zoo with Samuel L., be sure to order a "Gekko Royale with cheese".You'll impress him with your monumental "badittude" and street cred. Then take him by the monkey house to show off your amazing jaw power by decapitating a few lemurs for his enjoyment. Just make sure your Mom doesn't find out! By the way, I saw her hanging in a tree the other day, drunk. You poor adorable little guy.

Confucious has nothing on this guy.

Bad as ol' Sammy L.

2005-10-23T19:45:00.000-04:00

Hey, fun. I have TWO questions waiting for me to answer. The first question looks like it came on Friday, but I missed it because my clownmunch editor didn't show up for our evening meeting. I'm badass and I can do lots of stuff, but I can't type. Sucks, but that's the way it is.

So hobbitbuddy, you had this question:

Dear Sweet Bandit,You rock!I enjoy reading your blog. I was interested to know if you've ever met Samuel L. Jackson or watched any of his films because you definitely have the same "take no prisoners" 'tude. Keep the faith little bro.

Right back atcha human bro. Funny you should ask. Samuel L. actually sends me fanmail. He asked for my autograph a few weeks ago but Mom thinks he's a bad influence and refused. I swear if she gets any more toolish I may have to stuff her in a Craftsman toolbox.

But yeah, he's way badass. I actually got to watch Pulp Fiction when I turned 100 days old. My lawyer smuggled me a copy (I think I may be getting the hang of this appreciating irony thing) and I watched it. Mom tried to watch it with me, but she got way lost. Plus, she only speaks a few words of English, she didn't know they were SWEARING every other WORD. It ruled.

Except it could have a used a few more hot panda chicks. And I should have been in it.

Yeah. The cool factor on that alone warrants a remake.

Your Momma Jokes

2005-10-21T10:04:00.000-04:00

Question & Answer with Bandit:

Question:
Do you get mad if the other zoo animals tell "your mom" jokes? (ie- your mama's so fat, she squeezed out a butterstick instead of a baby.) I mean, I know you don't like her, but does it offend you when other people rip on her?

Answer:
Do I get offended by "your momma" jokes? Duh, I'm pretty sure I INVENTED them. Monkeys--unoriginal copycats--are the most avid "your momma" jokesters. I have to admit they're wicked funny. Sometimes the lemurs like to come by just to tell me the new jokes they've made up. I laugh my ass off.

And then I rip their heads off.

I don't get so many jokes anymore though, which is a pity because Mom's so perfect for them. For instance, she's so stupid, that when she sees the door to our hovel open, she oohs and ahhs like she's watching fireworks. Really. That's not a "your momma" joke, that's the sad, honest truth. But it's why the monkeys have so much fun with her.

So no. I really don't mind when other people crack those jokes about her. And they don't mind when I gouge their hearts out with the blunt side of my paw.

Well, they never say anything.

Of Rags and Tools

2005-10-19T13:04:00.000-04:00

I couldn't have said it better myself, Cramz. Well, maybe I could. Actually, if I tried real hard, I'm sure I could, but the point is, I would have to work at it, so that should be compliment enough.

In case I've lost anyone, on Monday I got this note:
Ummmm...this blog is pretty demented. I hope you folks are actually raising the panda, because if you're not - okay, let's not consider that possibility.

Huh? This guy/girl is such a tool he/she is an insult to the word. So for this purpose, I'm going to call her/him a rag. This rag doesn't even understand the very most basic premise of this blog. This is ME here. BANDIT. or Tai Shan, whatever. But the point is, my staff works for me, they're not trying to "raise" me or some other clownmunch nonsense. The staff and I discussed this and denounced it for the rag-rubbish it is.

But then, this morning, good ol' Cramz posted this:
Who's this anonymous tool posting above? Now that those teeth are coming in Bandit, you can rip munches like this a new one...

Oh how I want to, Cramzie. If I have to put up with the infernal clacking, I might as well use it to do the world some good.

Woah. I just had, like, a light go off in my head or something. It's all clear to me now. The GECKOS have found my blog!! You saw what they did to that poor giraffe, Jafari, last week. Skin cancer my round, black, furry ass. Poor kid didn't stand a chance against battery acid.

And now the geckos are posting, trying to discourange me. Well well this should be interesting. I think I might have finally found the cure for clacking teeth.

Fresh gecko.

There are those who call me Tai Shan...

2005-10-17T13:48:00.000-04:00

...even though we all know my real name. It's ok though. I wasn't as pissed as I expected to be when they announced it today. Peaceful Mountain. Hey, if I understood what irony was, I might call it ironic, but since I'm only 100 days old, I'm not so up on my literary terms.

But don't you dare start addressing me on this blog as Tai Shan. The outside world can use it all it wants, but you guys are MY PEEPS. So here it's Bandit. Capisce?

Oh hey this is funny. Mom can't pronounce my name.

My sides hurt. I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. She keeps honking about how she wanted Qiang Qiang because that was so easy to remember and say but between you, me, and the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool--I can't tell the difference.

Dad's opinion? So far his staff has been strictly "No Comment" but word on the street says he thinks it's cool. Whatever.

The whole teeth thing is proving to be kind of annoying. When I close my jaws they clack together. How weird is that? Clack. Clack. Clack.

Creeps me out.

Pushy Mom

2005-10-13T14:53:00.000-04:00

The woman is driving me nuts. Mom, not the doctor. She's basically beating me. It's way uncool. Won't let me leave the den, gets pissed off when I try to walk--

Oh hey, I'm getting my teeth! Almost forgot to tell you. Look over
there --->

Anyway, yeah when I try to practice walking, Mom's like "Where do you think you're going, young man? Walking only leads to exploring, and exploring leads to all kinds of deviant experimentation. You'll wind up hairless, diseased, and full of holes if you so much as LIFT your paw, do you hear me?"

Tool.

Aiight, since Mom's still trying to push me around and won't let me LEAVE, I'll respond to my fan's questions:

What's going on? According to the Washington Post, "The public debut of the National Zoo's giant panda cub will be delayed until at least December because he is not venturing out of his hidden den and his mother does not appear willing to let him do so, animal park officials said yesterday." What's the real story? Is your mother really bossing you around?

Oh hey look at that, this person read my mind today. My answer is: YES. I think she got pissed about what I wrote yesterday about owning this place (which I do, don't get me wrong, this is just a temporary hiccup in my glorious revolution) and she's decided to hold a little counter-attack of her own. Don't worry though, you may have to wait till Christmas comes to see me, but I promise it will happen. I have teeth now remember? We'll see how she likes a ridiculously cute BITE in her ear.

It's really all out war here in the Panda House.

That broad is goin' down.

It's Not That I'm Lazy...

2005-10-12T12:20:00.000-04:00

To the Anonymous fan who said I need to get off my lazy butt to post...I must remind you, the fault is not with my lazy butt (I'm a bear, we trademarked laziness before humans learned to tell their ass from a hole in the ground) but with my editor. Get this:

She took a vacation.

Yeah. Stop rubbing your thumb on your screen trying to get rid of the smudge clearly at fault for such a ludicrous statement. That's the honest to Chinese-Sun-God truth. Apparently the Panda Employee Union insists I give them at least three weeks' vacation. When I get my claws on the pinko clownmunches who run that fiasco of a union...well, it'll be the ugliest thing since Boy George's stint as a Victoria's Secret model.

The woman does nothing but once a day (if that) post my musings on an online blog. Her entire DAY is a vacation.

You wanna know where she went? The beach. With her boyfriend. You wanna know where I was?

IN A STINKING FOUR WALLED ENCLOSURE WITH MY MOM

Oh, ha, that reminds me. Anyone read the lastest postings on the Zoo's website? I'm getting to her. That's right baby, Bandit is asserting his authority. I'm takin' over. Showin' her who's boss.

It's a new day here at the National Zoo, and this town belongs to me--whether my name is Ling Chu Pa Wong or Bandit.

Just not Butterstick.

Dreams...

2005-10-02T07:26:00.000-04:00

So this morning, Mom woke me up and started honking about how I needed to clean my room. I'm like "What? This is your room too, biznatch." And then she was like "You're going to start walking soon and making messes then you'll have to clean it all the time so you need to practice."

Whatever. I'm calling the ACLU. This is a violation of my rights as a famous panda cub.

I don't know why I'm still in here with her. I want to get out. I want to meet Dad. I want to start scouting the perimeter to find an escape route. That would rock. I'd be all over the news...

[smarmy reporter voice] Welcome to this emergency broadcast. Tonight, the famous and handsome panda cub at the National Zoo has escaped. His whereabouts are unknown, but we should be able to find him because he's so freakin' huge. He's like the biggest panda ever. He was last seen ambling towards Adams Morgan, and everyone there is really scared because even though they were fans of his blog, they never posted any comments on it, and this cub is so enormous he's scary. But cute at the same time. Anyone who has any information on this breaking news story, please call us because we wanna see him too! And maybe buy him an appletini.

Yeah I'll bet that's what they would say.

Bandit Shot:

If you saw this face on the street, you'd buy it a new Xbox 360.

Yeah, I knew it.

Clearing the Water

2005-09-29T20:36:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I got this message this afternoon from annoyed fan dc2230:

Don't blame me for your crappy name. I wanted to name you LaVar Pandington. GO SKINS

Dude, even pandas can make mistakes. I was all pissed off when I first read this, 'cause I was like "why's this guy rippin' on my name, yo?"

But then I realized he wasn't ripping on Bandit, he thought I was blaming all my fans and the people of the world for the name choices, which I'm not, so I have to set the record straight.

To all my loyal fans:

I understand and respect your opinions. I never once thought you had anything to do with the rubbish FONZ cooked up for the naming contest. I am grateful to every one who voted for a name because I know you only had my best interests in mind. You knew I was going to get shackled with one of these monikers, and you cared enough to vote for a name that would suck less than the others.

Is'all good.

Everyone should know by now my opinion of the name Butterstick.

As for LaVar Pandington, it's kind of cool. I can dig a football name. And I'm a native Washingtonian, so of course I'm for the SKINS.

We're on the same page, dude (or babe, if you're one of my hot panda fans).

I think those renegade geckos are Cowboys fans.

My proof:

News and the Panda

2005-09-29T12:09:00.000-04:00

My editor is a slacking clownmunch and I don't know why my lawyer won't let me fire her. Something about the Panda Employee Union. Humans are so weird.

That being said, I've been in the news a lot recently.

My naming is imminent (is that spelled right? eh whatever, like I know or care.) and I guess I'm resigned to it sucking. (see http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/28/AR2005092802192.html for some stupid updates on the whole stupid fiasco). If they have to call me by one of those the people vote on, maybe I could insist that they call me by the translated meaning, like Dragon Mountain. That would be kind of cool. Then my whole name would be Dragon "Bandit" Mountain. I could deal with that.

I'm so huge they can hardly fit me in this old plastic container they used to use. I told Egon that next time, he's going to have to use the elephant scales. They'll have to use a crane to hoist me up there because I'm going to be the bigges--well, you know.

Mom can hardly pick me up anymore (sweet!) so it's only a matter of time.

Oh and I decided it was probably time to start walking. Once I'm 100% mo-bahle, I'm going to be such a troublemaker, the zoo is going to have to call the FBI on me.

So I did a little walking this morning. I always say it's smart to practice a bit before becoming a living terror.

For an example of what happens when columnists begin to think too highly of their own cleverness, click here:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/21/AR2005092101902_2.html

I read this shaking my head. "Me want panda blog guy to get a raise," my fuzzy round adorable ass.

Tell me, which would you rather read: some stranger's self-conscious dreck? Or go straight to the source.

That's what I thought.

Going Public

2005-09-23T11:27:00.000-04:00

My alert fan Cramz put a comment on my blog today, reminding me of some important news I should share with the rest of the Bandit-watching community.

The Zoo will finally let me greet my adoring public in November. That's right, just when it's getting dark and gray and depressing outside, I will be there to save the day. I understand you'll all have to get tickets to see me because they don't want a mob, and I don't want my fans to get hurt. I may be badass but I'm thoughtful too.

I think I'll probably have some crappy Chinese name by then, but I'm thinking it'll be like one of those actors whose parents give them really stupid names and everyone knows them by their way awesome nickname. Like Steve McQueen going by Steve McQueen instead of his clownmunch real name Qin Ti Sheng. Betcha didn't know that, huh.

By then I should be roughly the size of a small car since according to medical data provided by Dr. Egon Spengler himself, I'm growing up to be the BIGGEST PANDA ON EARTH (-earth, -earth, -earth).

Here's me and Egon. Yeah that's right, I'm so scary badass that the Zoo had to hire a GHOSTBUSTER just to do my checkups.

Later, Egon and I prank called Peter and I impersonated Slimer's voice. That freaked Egon out because like I said before, he's a clownmunch and they all get freaked out when I talk. Peter was just like "HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER! I'M GOING TO FIRE MY AGENT YOU LITTLE PUKE, and THEN I'M COMING AFTER YOU" and then he said something about an aquatic life and I got bored so I hung up.

After that, Egon wouldn't give me Ray's number, so I called Winston and we chatted it up for like two hours because Winston rocks.

Mom's Night Out

2005-09-22T08:25:00.000-04:00

Let's start off with a gratuitous Bandit Pic!

So today, if anyone watched me on PandaCam (who am I kidding, I know you ALL did) you probably saw Mom sprawled over her platform, hanging her head over the side.

Well.

Have I got a story for you.

Last night, Mom went out with Dad for a night on the town. That usually involves heading over to the Monkey House (not to be confused with apes, who are total straight-edgers) for cheap booze and beer pong. Now, as we all know, Mom is about as bright as a female mallard duck sitting on her eggs, and--I swear I am not making this up--she thinks that daquiris are non-alcoholic.

I'm, like, dead certain Dad is the farthest thing from innocent on that one.

So she starts suckin down the daquiris and then a bunch of ring-tailed lemurs called her a drunk old sow and so Dad took them all on while Mom honked drunkenly from one of the trees.

I'm assuming Dad won. I mean come ON. Sure he's a deadbeat, but he's still my pop, and look how badass I am. He could take a whole barrel full of lemurs on any day any hour any place.

After that, I don't know the details, but I do know that when I woke up this morning, Mom was yacking all over the straw off the side of her platform. It was super gross, but at least she didn't try to bathe me today with that mouth.

To all you kids out there who think life with your folks is a trial, I've got news for you.

Panda parents suck.

Quick question...

2005-09-21T23:23:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else think my doc looks like Egon?

Bandit: The Film

2005-09-20T22:39:00.000-04:00

September 19th was a red-letter day for my fans. You got the first, real, up close, detailed documentary of me as I really am. I am referring of course to my film.

View it here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/video/2005/09/19/VI2005091900981.html?referrer=emaillink

I looked especially badass next to my personal medical staff (dorks). Oh and when they were poking around in areas they shouldn't be poking, I reared my head up and called them both clownmunches (though you couldn't hear me because they edit the sound whenever I talk. It really freaks them out when I bust out with my lingo, and because they're not big enough to handle it, they think no one else will too. TOTAL clownmunches.)

But they did let you hear me bark. I did it nice and quiet so they wouldn't edit it out. I can really roar a great bark, but again, said clownmunches can't take a roaring panda cub.

I got another helpful comment from my fan Ally today, and at her request, I've decided to post my email address. I love to get email. Tell me stuff, send me funny stuff, or really BADASS stuff. It's all better than spam from golfing bloggers (tool).

It's banditthepanda@hotmail.com. Ally's sending me pictures, so I can post more me on this site. Which is really why you all keep coming, I know.

Oh I just thought of something. JUST on the off chance that Mr. Golfing Blogger is actually a living breathing fan (I have to remember that I appeal to all people, of all shapes, sizes, and hobbies, and levels of clownmunchness), I challenge him to post another comment, and to say something specific about my blog, or how cool I am.

Maybe then I will stop mocking him.

Maybe.

Spit is NOT a bath.

2005-09-16T13:14:00.000-04:00

Mom is so GROSS. She was giving me a "bath" yesterday...you can see how happy I am in this picture.

Tell me honestly, if your mother picked you up and licked you all over, would you be in a good mood?

So I'm surly right now. Humans understand germs and bacteria, and yet all those servants of ours, stupid zoo people, stand by and watch her smear nasty saliva all over me, and they giggle and say "it's so sweet."

Oh and another note, thanks to my fan Brian for taking that dude to task for putting a spam comment on my blog. MY blog. This isn't just some other blog, it's the blog of the cutest, most badass baby panda in the world!

Look at me. Do I LOOK like I'm interested in golf? DO I--PUNK?

Didn't think so. Jackass.

What will I grow up to be?

2005-09-15T10:04:00.000-04:00

Sometimes when I'm pumping titanium (which is cool, because it's more futuristic than pumping iron), I imagine what I'm going to be when I grow up. I used to think I'd be a doctor, or an astronaut, but I think it's pretty obvious to anyone with a brain, that I'm not meant for that kind of life.

I mean, look at me. I need to be employed in a line of work that equals awesome hotness, AND badass.

So I'm thinking Batpanda would be a pretty reasonable choice.

Imagine Mom's face when I show up in my kickass Batpanda suit--she could honk all she likes but I'd just be like "whatever, mortal, I gotta go kick me some tail."

That would rock more than anything has ever rocked before.

Go me.

Super Sizing Me

2005-09-14T21:51:00.000-04:00

Hey hey, at 9 weeks old, I'm more cute than a whole bin full of cut-rate Finding Nemo fish. And as most of my fans already know, way more badass. I'm growing faster than all the other pandas in the history of the WORLD, which means when I'm all grown up, I'll be the biggest, meanest, toughest, most badassest panda in the WORLD. And I'll be real down-to-earth about it too. Just like Angelina Jolie and her foreign kids.

A big shout out to my fans Ally and Liz. Thanks to your vigilant attention, my editor is being punished for her laziness. A bunch of cool badass thugs came to her house tonight and chained her to her chair and she had to post my message or stay there until she did.

Also is anyone else disturbed by Mom's "toy"?

From the Zoo website:

"Mei Xiang has retrieved a toy from the hay in the den. It is a toy made for big dogs called a 'kong.' She has picked it up and manipulated it a few times, but most of the time it is just lying in the nest."

GROSS. I don't what to know about Mom manipulating her kong, and I don't care if it's fascinating to science.

I know I'm badass and all, but let's protect my innocence for at least a few more weeks?

Peace.

My Editor and that Tool at the Zoo

2005-09-06T21:11:00.000-04:00

Let me be the first to say that this is inhumane. The lack of response, the finger pointing, the desperation so clearly evident in so many faces. I'm fired up and I gotta do somethin' 'BOUT it.

I refer of course to my editor and her five day disappearance, leaving so many of my fans without news of myself for days. I had all this stuff to share and now I can't remember it all (which SUCKS, especially for you because now you're missin' out). She has been issued a warning. Five day lapses are inexcusable, and there will be consequences if it happens again.

On other news, I heard some of my servants talking about some chick named Katrina and that we should send money and supplies to help her victims. I don't know what she did, but my servants are SCIENTISTS (as I may have mentioned before) and scientists don't exaggerate, so the victims must need it.

So, uh, give stuff. I'm sending pictures of myself. Which is cool, because it's me, but you're probably better off sending money.

Onto something else I remember from the VAST VACUUM THAT WAS MY EDITOR'S SO-CALLED "VACATION." The Zoo is getting out of hand. Whoever is writing my diary info is doing too much editorializing for my taste. She (and it is quite patently obvious, that this person is a she--and no I'm not that big a clownmunch that I use the word "patently" in everyday conversation. That's MY editor taking too much liberty with my blog. Dork.) On my 8 week birthday, this she-writer described me as making "little panda 'angels' in the hay."

Whatever.

I was making little panda GRIM REAPERS.

A guy would totally know the difference.

The Renegade Geckos

2005-09-01T11:33:00.000-04:00

I'm going to kill me some gecko.

You know how I mentioned the renegade geckos in an earlier posting? They're getting out of control. It's a real problem here at the Zoo. They roll in here with their gats and their brass knuckles and they start beating on the residents. I heard about a red lion monkey who got his knee cap busted on Tuesday by some gecko wearing black leather.

The Zoo has been in hot water recently--people are saying it doesn't take care of its animals well but I'm telling you the geckos are the ones to blame.

Kisangali the Lion - The geckos had been crapping in her food for weeks.
Emma the Emu - She was the biggest anti-gecko voice here, and they saw she didn't make it through a routine blood exam
Leomo the Lemur - That monkey'd been smoking Luckys for years. No, not gecko-related, but I thought I'd share it because Leomo was the biggest badass WANNABE at the Zoo and now he's dead. Tool.
Hipalore the Orangutan (see the dumb-ass names the Zoo gives us?) - The geckos knifed him one night at an ill-fated "Go Fish" tournament.

And the Zoo is doing nothing! Nooo, the geckos are harmless they say. Read for yourself: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/06/04/AR2005060401297.html

That little girl was lucky. The gecko probably decided to spare her since she'd saved him from the cold, because this picture (which has NOT been edited in any way) began circulating recently.

They have to be stopped.

And I'm just the panda to do it.

Right as soon as I start walking.

Diagnosis: Healthy and BADASS

2005-08-31T11:38:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I had a check up. I had a blast with the doctors, squirming, and making their jobs more difficult (I do NOT "fuss"). Oh and I started shouting to the doctors' faces that they were a bunch of clownmunches, and Mom got mad and was trying to come in and punish me--she's so dumb, she was trying to squeeze herself through an eight inch square window.

And then they lured her away with fruit and sweet potatos. Heh. Bear.

As a treat for you all, I have new pictures, newly yoinked from the National Zoo and Washington Post websites.

"Burning the ground, I break from the crowd/I'm on the hunt, I'm after you/I smell like I sound, I'm lost and I'm found/and I'm hungry like the wolf."

They have to hold me down because I'm OUTTA CONTROL!

I'm so cute, it's not even fair.

Close up!!

Slander and Other News

2005-08-30T12:37:00.000-04:00

Hello, pissed off baby panda here.

I want those clownmunches at the National Zoo FIRED. Or, they should fire whoever is writing this slander. I do NOT have a pear-shaped rear end. And I'll lift it when I'm good and ready, thank you.

On to other news, Lisa Pugh of Silver Spring, Maryland wrote a letter to the editor of the Washington Post's Express. "I just can't see a hundred-pound-plus bear (as he will become)..." she writes [you BETCHA Lisa, I'm going to be one big badass bear] "...being called Butterstick. It sounds kind of humiliating. Not the kind of name a panda can wear with real pride."

You're completely right, Lisa. But Bandit is a name I wear with pride, and I will NEVER answer to that awful other name-that-will-not-be-mentioned.

All you silly "grassroots" activists cheering for Butterstick as MY name can just go back to eating your grass roots. I'd rather have a silly Chinese name I don't understand than an insulting American one that I very much understand.

TAKE THAT CLOWNMUNCHES!

Some Boring Business Stuff

2005-08-29T23:39:00.000-04:00

So, um, I just thought I should come clean with all my fans...I uh, knew all along that Monica wasn't an obsessed fan. OF COURSE she's my publicist. Doesn't that make sense? I wasn't fooled ever. But I realize that some of my comments might have mislead some of my stupider readers.

Since I knew everything all along, it makes sense that I should explain. So when I started this site, my staff thought it would be smart to test the comments portion, and see how well I could handle that kind of unstable aggressive female attention.

Wait, that sounds like I didn't know. Which is all wrong, because I did.

They told me to ACT like I didn't know, just to see how I would react. Yeah that's closer to how it really went down. And I did really well! I did so well, Monica (my publicist, NOT the hot panda) has suggested we send some headshots to Hollywood. Then Katie, my lawyer, put in some snarky comment about how we should wait until my head no longer resembles a ferret before we go sending glossies all around LA. I fired her.

But I'm a cool boss, so I hired her back. Then Michelle, my boring nerdish editor wanted to play around with the achtemal, or whatever that is, and put a list of my staff on the site. These are my PERSONAL employees, not the army of paeons the Zoo keeps paying to shovel my crap out of the straw.

I have many positions still available, and I'm open to suggestions since I've never hired a full staff on my own before. What I'm looking for:
-An ability to annoy Mom at every turn
-Hotness (for females)
-Badassness (for guys)
-The ability to look cool and impressive during slowmo shots of all of us walking side by side down a street and/or riding around in a vintage convertible.
-Creativity to deal with those clownmunch renegade geckos (more on that later).

Tap the "Click to Apply" link beneath the Staff list, or go directly to the comments on this post.

Later.

Today Sucks

2005-08-29T00:09:00.000-04:00

I'm so like, depressed in an uncool way. I overheard some of the servants talking about how I'd have to go "back" to China in two years. This sucks. This sucks like a broccoli milkshake.

They don't need me over there. What if they tried to eat me?! I mean, I could defend myself, no problem, but who wants to have hungry Chinamen chasing after them with chopsticks and woks? Such a downer.

Speaking of downers, Mom took away my copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. It was the only video game I owned, yo. I know it's a few years old, and I don't even have a gaming system, but sometimes I'd climb on top of the game box and make driving noises and I'd pretend I was shooting ho's and stealing stuff. It was way cool and now I can't because MOM is handmaiden to THE MAN.

Here she is taking the game away from me. You can see I didn't let it go without a fight.

Today sucks. First, I find out I'll be getting deported when I hit the big 0-2, and then I lose my guilty pleasure--all in the same day.

Life is so rough at seven weeks old.

My Bike

2005-08-27T11:09:00.000-04:00

I love Orange County Choppers (tap the link if you're a LOSER and don't know who they are). I've decided that's what I want to be when I grow up. I want to get tattoos all over my white areas, and be a bike designer. That would rock.

I think they should totally make a Bandit-themed bike. I'm famous, I'm awesome--what's not to love? It would be a perfect synergy between two icons of modern American culture.

I just sounded like a total clownmunch. Ignore that.

It would rule because it would RULE.

What would my bike look like? I think the bars should all look bamboo shaped, and the seat could look like a tree limb. And then they could put a skull and crossbones on the gas tank, just to make sure it looked really badass.

Yeah, this is what it would look like:

See, isn't it sweet?

Oh, and Happy Birthday, Dad. You're what, eight? Geezer.

Photo Gallery

2005-08-26T17:21:00.000-04:00

Even though I'm obliged as a resident to include the Zoo's website on my links, it's really boring. So here's a photo tour through my world, with the one and only Bandit as your tour guide.

This was me during my exam. They knocked me out with this really hard liquer, that's why I can't hold my head up.

Ha. Mom being Mom here. Can you even see me in this picture? I remember when they took this, I thought she was trying to kill me by squeezing me. If you look closely, you can almost see the abject terror in my face.

Not that I was scared

I managed to find a picture of Mom and Dad together. Mom's the one up on the rock, sleeping her lazy ass through the afternoon, so that must be Dad sitting there stuffing his face. Wow, that bamboo looks good...

Sorry, got distracted there for a second. It'll be months before I can eat bamboo. Whatever.

This is Dad. Or at least it had better be, or Mom had better take this picture out of her bedroom, the tramp. This is what I want to look like when I grow up. Dad seems cool, I wish I could see him more.

Oh now there's a face you know you can't resist. Ladies, ladies, let's all behave like adults here, there's plenty of Bandit to go around...(ixnay on ANY comments about my belly.)

Ok, here I am telling Mom to go make me some sushi.

She's always honking about how she's not my servant. Ha ha. She's so funny.

An Ode to Monica

2005-08-26T16:43:00.000-04:00

Dude...it looks like I have a fan.

Like, not like I don't have millions of fans, but this one is persistently posting comments on my website. It's kind of cool. I want more fans like her.

Mom saw some of the posts and she told me I should just ignore her, that she's a bad influence and that I'm too young for her, but Mom's a TOOL. I called her that too, and she just honked and was all like "I don't know what that means, but I'm going to ask your father and when he tells me, I'm going to come back in here and you're going to get it young man!"

Did you catch that? My dad's so hands off, he has to dole out my punishments by proxy. What a clownmunch.

So anyway back to Monica. That's a hot name...Monica. I wonder if she's a panda, too. Do you think she's a hot panda? Monica the Hot Panda. Hey, it could be true. And she says I'm badass, which is way cool. And I'll bet she doesn't look a thing like Mom. That would suck more than...wow I need to get out there because I have pretty much exhausted the realm of my experience. I guess it would suck more than that FX show "Starved."

Anyway, I want more fans like Monica. And they don't all have to be hot pandas. They don't even have to be pandas, I'm open-minded. I'll write something about each fan I get, how does that work for a bribe?

Hellooo World! (My eyes are open!)

2005-08-26T16:28:00.000-04:00

Wow...it's uh...not quite as cool as I imagined it would be. And Mom is really weird looking. I imagined her looking...I don't know...like Courtney Love or something.

They need to do something about the walls here. Really depressing. Makes me want to take up a life of hard drinking.

But other than that, hey it's cool, I can see! This really does make things a lot easier. Oh, and check this out:

"The cub's eyes were first noted to be open at about 4:15 yesterday afternoon. There has been no apparent change in his behavior since then. However, now that his eyes are open, we think he looks even cuter, smarter, and more engaging than any other panda cub, ever!" --The National Zoo (check their link on my tricked-out sidebar)

You hear THAT people. These people are scientists. They don't make statements like that unless it's an absolute proven fact. Aren't you glad you loved me first? Now all these wannabe Bandit-lovin' POSERS are going to start clogging the bandwidth on my site trying to be all "But I loved Bandit ever since high school." "Oh yeah? I loved Bandit ever since middle school." And some really stupid dorks will be like "Well I loved Bandit since before I was BORN, TAKE THAT CLOWNMUNCH!"

I don't know what a clownmunch is but I wouldn't want to be one, so it must suck.

Weight Watching

2005-08-26T15:48:00.000-04:00

Does anyone think I need to work out? Stop laughing, this is serious!

My helpless flailing brought my arm in contact with my belly a minute ago and I realized it's huge! It just sticks out there, all round and stuff. And it's kind of hard too, I wonder if I'm bloated... Nah. My personal medical staff would have done something about it by now. I'm like gold to them.

I know Mom's as fat as an elephant, but I want to be a trim, sleek, badass panda. I want to be the panda all the women want to be with, and all the men want to be. I know having a beer gut won't get me that status in any part of the world.

So I'm thinking I should start working out. Lower my body fat percentage. Maybe they can add a dietition to my entourage?

Oh speaking of which, did you know the HBO television show "Entourage" is loosely based on my life? Yeah, ok it's really loosely based. Reeeaally loosely. Like, so loosely, if you think too hard about it, it won't make any sense.

Ok, heh, I'm lying. I hadya going though didn't I? Admit it, admit it!

I rock.

Why I'm So Smart

2005-08-26T15:30:00.000-04:00

So I was just squirming in the straw a few minutes ago (I don't really "sit") and it occured to me. You might think it's weird that I'm so well-developed mentally, when on the outside I'm about as functional as a 34 year old crack addict at 7 o'clock on a Monday morning.

I'm not sure how it happened either. Mom keeps telling me Dad's a brainiac--she says I never see him because he does top secret work for the Chinese government, and you know it must be true because I had to get my intelligence somewhere and it sure as heck was NOT from Mom.

Oh dude, you've GOT to hear this story. So yesterday I was honking at Mom (I don't remember why) and she's all like "Mind your manners!" And I was all like "Make me!" And she was all like "I didn't go through an hour and a half of labor just so you can back talk me, young man!" And I was like "Go eat some bamboo, Woman and bring me my dinner!" She honked and then she did.

It was cool.

The Name

2005-08-26T15:10:00.000-04:00

As you've probably figured out by now, I have a name. It's a cool name. It makes me sound badass. While I'm a little too small, helpless, and blind to be badass right now, I plan on being the most badass panda in Washington someday. My name's also American (bonus!).

Which is why I was not amused when I heard some old white men decided to *give* me a name by giving the public five choices and then telling them to vote on it. Eeeesh. Look, voting never did anyone any good in this town. Why are they going to leave MY IDENTITY up to the unwashed masses?

Oh and to make matters worse, I can't even pronouce their selections. What self-respecting kid wants to be called Hua Sheng. Hua Sheng? Maybe in CHINA it's cool, but over here, all the other boys will laugh at me. Not that I care, I could kick all their asses. But you know, the effort would be annoying.

Butterstick is not my name. Who ever came up with that? Do they want me to get a swirly on my first day at Zoo School?

I know you, my fan, would not condone such an idiot moniker.

Vote Bandit.

Because naming me anything other than my name would screw up my already fragile self-identity.

And it's badass.

Bandit Speaks Out

2005-08-26T14:43:00.000-04:00

Welcome to my site!

I applaud you for coming here. Most people seem content to watch me in grainy cameras on slow-moving websites, but you have chosen to take a more interesting route. You have decided to learn what I really think about me.

First off, let me tell you a little about myself. My parents are Chinese, but I'm an American-born citizen. I rule. Mom is so old-fashioned she thinks the sun is a god, and I'm pretty sure my dad is a deadbeat because I never see him around. I live in a high tech house, with lots of servants and personal medical staff, and I have lots of fans all over the country who watch me on those webcams--I'm still undecided about that btw. It's pretty invasive, but I'm cool, I know I'm cute, so keep watching me if you like. Hang on, brb...

Ok back. God, Mom is clingy. I keep telling her to get off my back about stuff but she just honks or whatever noise they say we make and suffocates me. It's gotten so bad the servants have started to try to lure her out of the house with treats. Yeah. Do you see what I have to put up with?

My mother is a giant bear.

Later